Am I Being Unreasonable towards my MIL?

Question

Hey ladies,
I was hoping to get some fresh opinions on this. 
My fiancé’s mother is... difficult to deal with. She hasn’t really been supportive of either of us this entire pregnancy. She lays the guilt hard on us for not wanting to do things like name the baby after her, use a 40 year old christening gown she made, or make a Target registry (her favorite store) when we have a perfectly good registry on Amazon. 
Recently, we had a beautiful baby shower in which my mom/dad and our friends went all out for, and I couldn’t be more greatful for them... my MIL on the other hand has done nothing and told us “we’re gonna wait and see what you get at the shower before we buy anything”. This really irritated me. My parents and our friends have gone ALL OUT for our daughter Aveline, but for some reason she refuses to help, and I don’t know why. My fiancé understands my frustrations entirely, but it’s getting hard for me to bite my tongue when my family is doing everything for Aveline and she just wants to lay guilt because we aren’t doing anything her way. 
Am I being selfish, unreasonable, ungreatful, etc? Or do you feel I have a right to be frustrated?
Sorry about the long post and I appreciate anyone who’s willing to give some advice!

Answer

Frustrating but you also can’t expect any particular behavior of her just because your family is willing to bend over backwards. I’d say be grateful for them, take everything your MIL does with a grain of salt, and not waste your time and energy on being concerned about what she doesn’t do. 
I have a MIL that likes to make empty promises too. I basically ignore them unless she actually does something, then it’s a pleasant surprise.

Answer

I have just learned to not expect anything from people like this. I also just ignore them when they try to guilt me. Honestly, you’re going to achieve the opposite & push me away even more if you do that. 😅 sorry I’m not much help!

Answer

I totally feel your frustrations, its tough when you expect people to act and feel a certain way. But you can't judge one person as actions by comparing them to someone else's, they are just different. And is it really that unreasonable for them to wait until after your shower, see what you're missing and in need of, and get you that? I think that's pretty smart personally.
I myself am guilty of holding other people to standards I live by myself, and all is does is set me up for disappointment. Try not to make my mistake.
Also, some people just can't bond with a baby until it's born. Hopefully they will shower your baby girl with love and affection, in her own special way, once she is born x

Answer

Some people just can’t stand not being in charge. You have every right to be frustrated with your MIL. She’s being unreasonable and immature, making demands and then acting like a total child when it doesn’t happen. 
I would be very wary once baby comes. She sounds like the type that may not respect your wishes regarding your baby, for example, giving her a pacifier when you told her you didn’t want that. Etc. Your fiancé needs to address his mother about this whole thing. Tell her he feels let down by her behavior, and explain to her what he expects once baby comes. It has to be from him. She’s more likely to listen to her own son than to you.

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I don’t think so, I posted something similar the other day and got called materialistic. 🙄 when that’s not the case haha. I would just stand your ground because once that baby is here it sounds like your parenting choices won’t be respected.

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I get your feelings. However if its sk etching that is realllllllly bothering you, you need to talk to your husband and maybe he can bring up a few things to her. As another person said it could all be a control issue. My mom has this and when you do everything her way and what she wants she'll give give and give to you. When you dont she'll say she would or have done such and such but than make an excuse like time, vacation, distance, anything as to why it's not happening. I've been dealing with it for years and finally her reaction to this pregnancy is what broke the camel's back. I haven't talked to her since beginning of Sept and everyone, including her own brother and sister has supported my decision. 
To be honest about the target registry I would have just done it. Is it because she doesn't like to shop online? I know personally i rather go to stores when buying registry items. I'm not having a shower for this girl but I sure did create a registry, 3!!! No one knows I have them, its all for me and hubby to put together some wish lists and to get all the freebies and coupons!!! 🤗

Answer

It sounds like you have a bit of resentment or resistance to her irrespective of the pregnancy, some underlying issues from earlier in your relationship maybe? 
It’s good to stand your ground regarding parenting and preferred behaviours, but sometimes not super hard to acquiesce on smaller details. 
Eg definitely not naming your child after her (unless that was something you wanted); but regarding the christening down just accept it and then when it comes time to wear it ‘oh no it gives baby a rash / oh no it’s too small and we only tried it last minute, so we quickly bought another’. She’s obviously carefully saved it for forty years for her grandchild, you could humour her in that respect. 
From what I understand about registries in the US, they give you gift boxes and discounts when you purchase from them, so would it not have been genuinely beneficial for you to sign up anyway? With amazon do you need an account to order and purchase online, she may be more comfortable purchasing instore at Target hence why she waited to see what was purchased? 
Did you offer to sit with her and help her with navigating the Amazon registry? Some older people are genuinely scared and uncomfortable purchasing online as they just don’t understand it. 
Someone else made a good point about whether or not your family included her in the shower planning. I imagine you share your feelings about her fairly readily with your family so, she may not have been the most welcome person? 
Sure purchasing a gift, gift card or trinket to being to the shower would have been nice etiquette, but she’s under no obligation regardless to purchase gifts. Is she typically excessive at Christmas and birthdays anyway? If not then I don’t think her behaviour would seem too unexpected.
Placing expectations on her as your MIL - especially in comparison to your family being very involved - doesn’t seem very fair. She may even be trying to give you space and privacy to not be seen as the dreaded MIL, yet here she is 🤷🏼‍♀️

Answer

Not to be the devil's advocate, but a little bit 😅 but that's not to say your feelings are invalid either.
My mom did nothing for my dd1 and is doing nothing for my dd2. 
For my baby shower my mom gave me a book, and wrote in it that she'd take my shopping after my girl was born. 
She didn't take me nor offer. 
However, the day before my shower my mom took my older sister shopping for a dress for my shower. 
I didn't even have an outfit yet because I'm cheap and refused to buy maternity clothes. 
(Now pregnant with dd2 and that has changed 😂😅)  
I expected nothing from my family, my husband's family, or my friends. 
My MIL was very involved, maybe a bit too much lol, but some people aren't invested like that. 
My mom is an AMAZING grandmother, watches my dd1 all the time, and I could not be more grateful.

Answer

You have the right to be frustrated. However, it’s her loss!!’ She keeps acting like that she won’t have the sweet relationship your parents will when your daughter arrives.
You can’t expect anything from her, she wants to do is have an opinion. 
I posted something similar a while ago about my MIL just wanting to be catered to. She didn’t help decorate for our wedding, or clean up. She did exactly the same thing for the baby shower, just sat on her ass. When she comes over she doesn’t help with anything or even offer. 
My mom is the opposite, she runs around making sure everything is perfect. She comes over only to help out then sits & relaxes & talks to me.
That’s why for the first week of my daughters life, my mom will be present. My MIL is coming but I’ve asked her to come a week after the birth (lives in Puerto Rico) but she’s not sleeping over, I’m not asking her for anything or expecting anything from her. She’s going to come see the baby & love on her son, then go back home. 
I stopped caring about having a relationship with her when I tried to include her & she just stopped talking to me.

Answer

My MIL is the same way. You can’t change people so you have to just accept that she is who she is and if she’s mad, oh well. I’ve tried reasoning with mine for months and nothing has changed.

Am I Being Unreasonable towards my MIL?

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