So,

A few days ago - everything is so jumbled up, I can't even remember when 😅

**suicide talk** I had been drinking gin and I had planned to take some pills.

**rape mention** So while I was drunk I texted a friend saying how sorry I was and I wanted to forget everything and forget HIM.

HIM = a bad man in my life. I don't use his name.

I admitted to said friend what this guy had done to me years ago. And it happened in January and this month was destroying my heart again.

I also admitted to him about another man a year ago who sexually assulted me in December. And I couldn't forget it.

I just wanted it all to go away.

Anyway.

A few hours later the police arrived.

If I am completely honest I am really disappointed in the way the police and mental health team at the hospital (raid? Riot?).

I know I might sound pathetic for what I am about too say and a bit stupid. And maybe they are right, but for me - personally, in that moment, it was just the worst. They made the whole situation 10x worse! 😢😟

To start: two police officers (males, not like that makes a difference really).

I did answer the door to them and let them in.

I personally laugh through situations that i find difficult or if it is a touchy subject.

1. So I made a joke with them that if they had broken my door down then my doggo would have bit their ankles 😈😈 the officer then said well if she did I would have tasered her or put her down, do you really want that? (He sounded so serious! Like lighten up a bit.. also, if anyone mentions violence against your pet, doesn't it annoy you a bit? 😡).

As you can see my baby (one at the front) is completely harmless and she is timid.

2. They knew I hadn't taken the pills because I told them I didn't have time too. I just drank a full bottle of gin. Which fair play they were here quick.

3. They asked me to talk to the mental health people on the phone rather than going anywhere. I said no, because to be perfectly honest I need to do this face to face with someone. So they had to call an ambulance ratherthan taking me in the police car.

4. They kept calling me silly and daft. Well my actions are silly. As I had a few cuts and bruises. I just hate that phrasing.. that my selfharm is silly.

I did keep crying as well, and they did tell me to stop. Like literally 'stop'. I'm sorry but you guys aren't being the best right now and are sittinf there reading my file on your thingy device.

So paramedics get there and OMG they were the most loveliest people ever! They knew about the gin and that I hadn't gotten the chance to OD. But they said we understand you think you don't deserve the help, etc etc.. but this is your time for the help now

So yeah. After waiting in a & e for 9 hours a doctor came and we went through this form? Questionnaire? Type thingy. If anyone knows what i mean?

He asked me why - I was completely honest about why (aka HIM...)

The doctor asked if i went home would I do anything? I said that answer is complicated. I don't know what mood I'll be in. He stop making it complicated, it is a yes or no. So I saidwell put no then.

He did say I'm the last person he'd chose as depressed, because I don't look it. I look really happy and jolly 😁

Then he left. Everyone in the ward could hear the nurses talking about my rape and sexual assult. They were so loud.. it was horrible. I felt ao embarrassed.

Then with the mental health team. They said we understand you've been throughsome trauma (which some means basically abuse since I was born. Plus other things) but I need to get over it 🙄 and take responsibility now.

They said any future employer will not take me seriously because of my mental health.

They asked whether the police wanted to bring me to the hospital. I explained what I said above ^^^ in which they replied, well the police didn't want to bring you, they wanted to leave you at home.

And the way they said it I thought they meant the mental health team was going to come out to me. In which they replied no, because you don't need the help.

They said there was no point in me being there

**suicide trigger** Something else which annoyed me so much, weeks weeks ago I overdosed. The mental health team refused to see me twice, and my university were so annoyed.. because they were the ones calling for me.**