My boyfriend loves degrading and hurting me sexually, it’s his kink he doesn’t actually mean it. We’ve never tried it physically, or really through text. Today was our first time trying it and... I hated every moment. I knew it was all fake but it just made me feel like total shit, which was kinda the goal I know, but even after I still feel shitty because he never took the words back, he talked shit then disappeared for work, so I’ve been stareing at the words all day. I really thought I’d be okay but it wasn’t like “your a dirty whore” or anything like that. He told me I was a shitty girlfriend, that he was gonna leave me for someone better, and I started actually having a panic attack.. and when I told him he’s like “show me” and when I didn’t respond he said “show me Or I'll fucking choke you so close to death”

Hours later he texted saying “I’m sorry I was just in abuse mode, I was horrible”

He went right after the things I hate about myself, I means he straight up said “your body is gross”

How are girls able to take this? Is this even how you do it? I literally broke down in tears and had a panic attack twice

UPDATE:

I have talked to him about what happened, and he feels like shit. He’s trying to reasoned that he didn’t mean anything by it and that he really does love me. It has unexpectedly taken a toll on my mentally and I’ve had other panic attacks from this. We are talking it over and I’m letting him know what happened can not happen again.

Thank you for your comments, it has brought many things to light for me, and I’ve been thinking I might recommend he goes to therapy and get anger management. He’s always had issues but he became worse over the summer. I know this isn’t healthy.