I'm probably going to explain this badly because I'm crying as I write.

I posted a couple weeks ago about the love of my life telling me he's not sure about us anymore. I went to his house today and he's still not. It is what it is, though I'm completely devastated and heartbroken. I honestly thought he was the one. it was the first time a man ever felt like home to me and I could see myself marrying and having children with him.

I've started thinking about my life, flaws, past relationships, and past in general. I've been working on myself, but I'm still a mess. I have trust and jealousy issues due to an abusive ex and two cheating ex boyfriends. I thought I was over them until I ran into the abuser right before Thanksgiving and had to leave the restaurant because I was having a panic attack. I've also been dealing with a mountain of stress. I have a mother in chemo and a dad with a ton of health issues, I lost my job last month, I decided to go back to school before that and had already taken out the loans and am in my first semester and omg the issues I've had with SFA. My great aunt died a few weeks ago and it just seems like everything had been snowballing since the end of October. It's when my mom decided during a chemo related mood swing to uninvited him to her birthday dinner and he could never get over it. He decided my parents hated him and feared they would make me choose, which is ridiculous, but I could never convince him otherwise. Then he started withdrawaling and I freaked out and being overstressed started picking fights.

When I am in a relationship though I still try to give my all, in spite of the issues. I buy my boyfriends gifts, drive to them, help cook and clean, and give them all kinds of praise though in rarely receive the same. I do all I can.

At 33 I'm just starting to wonder if maybe I'm not worth loving because it seems like everytime I put my heart out there, no matter how hard I try, I end up with nothing but more tears.