Disassociating and horrible dreams

Hi,

I have always had very vivid dreams, but in the last few years they have gotten progressively more dark, mostly including my own death, either by the hands of strangers, loved ones, myself and/or drowning. It’s not quick either and in the moment I can feel the pain, when I wake up it takes me a few minutes to come back to reality and then usually I’m fine during the day.

In this same last couple of years, I have started disassociating, there have been occasions where I haven’t remembered my own name and I’ve had to think about every single time I’ve been called by my name, but I write it and it doesn’t look right and I say it and it doesn’t sound right.

Sometimes I’ll look at places I know well (my room, my house, my work) and I won’t recognise it, it’s like this whole new place, I looked at my phone the other day, the background is a picture of my boyfriend and I didn’t recognise him. I knew his name but it didn’t feel right, and I spent a good few minutes thinking about every memory I have of the four years that I’ve known him and it doesn’t really feel like my own memory. He is living away from home at the moment for uni and he surprised me by visiting a few months ago and it took me a good half hour to fully register that it was him. I wouldn’t even kiss him because it felt like cheating.

In two of these disassociative moments I have been driving and the results weren’t great, one made me run a red light and almost crash, the other was a really slow crash and I’m still annoyed I didn’t register the other car coming, I could see it and my boyfriend was shouting for me to stop but I didn’t notice.

Both of these are mixed with constant thoughts about death. Not about suicide, I would never consider doing that, but about getting hit by cars, or killed in a mugging incident, or crashing my car, or dying in my sleep, being hit by lightning, and it feels somewhat wishful and then I get annoyed at myself because that’s sick. I can’t think like that. I have a great life, a good job, amazing family, loving boyfriend... but I do. I spend a lot of time on my own but I can’t have the house to myself because whenever I do I somehow end up sat on the floor, in the dark, in the corner of the kitchen, crying for hours and feeling sorry for myself when I have nothing to be sad about.

I don’t know what to do, or who to go to, I just need to talk to someone but whenever I talk to my boyfriend he gets worried that he can’t make me happy and then I spend half an hour consoling him, which isn’t helping.

I have been on the pill for two years, a lot of the thoughts started in that time but the dreams and disassociating started about a year or two before then