Tonight it hit me and I think I was panicking. I use to have panic attacks everyday years ago, but it felt like I forgot what they were like. I feel like I'm withdrawing but from a toxic person. He was my drug, for 2 years and I'm trying to not reach out to him. For about a month I stopped contact with him and try and keep myself busy with studying or painting. Because of him I have no friends in WA. In AZ he tried to turn me against the ones I had by saying they all talked shit about me. Which apparently wasn't true. So with as miserable as I was and his promise everything would be better I tagged along to Washington where we lived with his grandma. He was next to me 24/7 and god forbid I went to work he was tracking my location or blowing up my phone. I became numb and that became normal. I am codependent and have a history of surrounding myself with people who aren't good for me (like my ex).

I am trying hard to break that and I'm also afraid to make friends because I might be moving soon to another state but I'm also afraid who id attract right now. So I've been spending my days studying, painting, and going to the gym by myself. Now it's actually not bad, I still talk to my mom on the phone and it does feel good to be breaking habits but tonight I kept wondering what is wrong with me. How did I get sucked into that relationship? Why am I seclusion for myself? Why can't I have a normal and healthy relationship? Why do I continue to fuck up? And I think I was panicking but I felt like my thoughts were everywhere and I was sad and almost unblocked my ex and texted him. Luckily I didn't and I feel better, I just had to go back to studying. My mom was emotionally abusive while growing up and her constantly telling me there's something wrong with me (like if I wanted to watch cartoons, there was something wrong with me) that sometimes those thoughts come out. I also feel guilty that my decisions have added a lot of stress to my parents and has created financial strain. I hid my toxic relationship for 2 years and I can't tell my family about what I'm going thru now or else I'll be homeless.

I also feel lost. Why am I in a state with no family or friends. If I go back to my home state I'll be miserable and forget sometimes why I left. And it doesn't guarantee my old friends will be free to hang. I feel like I shouldn't be here, not suicidal but like I shouldn't have made the choices I did to be here. When I dropped him back off to be homeless when he put a gun in his mouth he threatened to kill my parents so I picked him back up. He told me if we break up or I screw him over I won't be successful. He punched holes in the walls and promised he wouldn't do that in the next place. He broke my phone and constantly threatened to break my laptop. He cut open his arm in the dark and barely missed an artery. He didn't work. He lied about being on meth. He accused me of cheating. When I had pneumonia he thought I was faking so I could fuck someone. That was within less of a year of being together, and I still stuck around miserable. I thought men most likely die before woman who I'll live my life when I'm 70 and enjoy my remaining years. How fucking stupid and when I call a counselor I can never seem to tell them all this, my mind becomes jumbled and I worry what's wrong with me