My new name is Zoe🌸. My parents don’t call me that, but the rest of the world does now. No one at school (classes) knows my birth name. It’s refreshing. It’s like I’m in another persons body. A dream body. No one knows my past. All they know is my name, my smile, my laugh, my kindness. Nothing deeper. I’m just a friendly classmate. Genevieve is my birth name👶. At this moment, I’m not entirely shocked. I changed my name due to shock. I didn’t want to be reminded of my trauma. I was, and still am, paranoid. I felt that name carried around so much shit that was so visible to the world including strangers, as if, they all knew me and how weak, pathetic, embarrassing I was. They knew all the rumors from school and how I had no friends. I’ve always felt embarrassed and hid from the world which brings up my anxiety. I never want to take a stroll around the neighborhood or go to the school library. My existence felt embarrassing. I was the only girl in my schools, area, named, “Genevieve”. I felt like a sore thumb.

Right now, I feel relieved I go by a different name. I feel Zoe represents my truest self that I used to be afraid to show to world in the past. Zoe still has her Genevieve days, of course, but she’s a better version of who she used to be. Zoe shows the world her true colors 🎨 and quirks. She’s brave, friendly, sweet, kind-hearted, bubbly, spontaneous. Just like Genevieve, she is sensitive, lonely (feels), and insecure. Genevieve was shy and quiet. She looked at the ground all the time. She tried to fit in with negative aspects. She hid ALL THE TIME. She hid in the bathroom stalls during passing period, rally’s or gym class.

Zoe is weird, unique and embraces and expresses that. 🌈 She knows she’s not like everyone else and takes pride in that. She raises her hand in class proudly and asks questions. Just like Genevieve, she adores others individuality and craves more beings like that in her life. She craves vulnerability and authenticity. They teach her to be fearless. 💪

Sometimes, I feel like a fraud and just a confused little girl still hiding from the world. I’ve changed so much since childhood and I’m relieved.

Zoe is my altar ego🕶 and at least everything little me wanted to be. I have moments where I fail and worry I’ll be seen as Genevieve again. For example: stuttering, hiding, being told my past attributes as now, insecurity.