Hi all,

This month has been a really rough month for me in regards of reflecting on/reliving memories and it's made me really shaky.

When I was 17 I was sexually abused for a year by a manager where I worked. He was significantly older than me, and leveraged the fact that I didn't want to lose my job so I wouldn't tell anyone. I tried to tell my boyfriend at the time and he said 'You were probably asking for it' and that's the last I ever spoke of it to anyone until my current (and forever) significant other.

Prior to being with my significant other I was married and that was a 4 year relationship filled with emotional abuse. Towards the end when we were in the process of divorcing he raped me twice and choked me.

I have been getting those body flash backs a lot this month and I've been feeling just disgusting. My S.O does a lot to encourage me and keep my moods up, but its always when I'm alone in my head that they come creeping up. I used to cut, and I flirt with the idea still, never following through.

My thoughts have been kind of dark lately. We're going to really start trying for a little one soon and I am just so worried that I won't be emotionally all there, that I'll be a failure as a parent, maybe I should just let it go (4 years trying with PCOS and no success) and someone like me isn't meant to be a parent so that's why it hasn't happened.

I've also been feeling like there's no point to be trying to do anything for myself education wise. I've been to college twice, first time my exhusband pulled me out, the second time I stopped because I couldn't afford it after the divorce. I just feel insignificant. Like what am I going to do that can ever redeem what's been done in the past? It feels like all I do, I set myself up for failure.

I'm sorry, I just needed to vent and get out what I was feeling. And I just feel so crummy.. Can't help but sit here and wonder if it ever gets better.