Dreams about an ex

I’m just venting about these recurring dreams

So a few years ago I was dating my now husband for about 4 years.Because of college we were drifting apart and didn’t have anything in common, and only hung out for sex. Unfortunately it was like this for a while at this point. And while I was battle my depression he wasn’t able to understand me and would tell me to just be happy

I met this guy who I called my “best friend” around this time frame and we just hit it off. Turned out he had depression and it was so awesome to have someone who understood. I thought I had feelings for him and I told him that I was worried bc I had a bc but he told me that he had strong feelings about me and wanted to fight for me. One night we had drunk sex and the next morning agreed to never mention it. The awful part was that we still kept hanging out, calling each other for help on a “bad day” and without realizing we just grew closer and closer together (never in a physical way after that one night)

My husband who was my bc at the time never noticed anything. He was so caught up in his own life that he honestly thought we were okay. I lied to myself every day for a month telling myself we were just friends and I cared about him as a friend but not in that way. I felt disconnected with my boyfriend because we only hung out to have sex fall asleep and he’d leave the next morning.

The biggest thing for me was having a supporter who didn’t tell me to just cheer up when I felt suicidal or was lost in my thoughts.

One day I just decided to tell my boyfriend about cheating on him, but I didn’t tell him about my feelings. Instead I told him that it didn’t mean anything (which it didn’t at the time) and that I wanted to stay friends with him bc he understood me. My poor husband (bf) cried and told me that he wanted to work on it.

Anyways about two months later my feelings for this guy grew to the point where my husband knew just didn’t say it. Our relationship was at its worst and we broke up. That day I told the other guy that I loved my bc and couldn’t be with him. And I went home and cried for both of them.over and over and over.

When my husband and I got back together our relationship was rocky but we were working on it. And I only saw the other guy at work. He got a girlfriend to try to move on from me but I always always couldn’t breath when I saw him bc my heart would ache. We avoided each other completely and I remember all I wanted to do was talk and joke around again but my heart was just hurting. He was mad at me bc I never gave us a chance. He was mad because I never chose him and because he knew what I felt and told me I was just too scared.

He quit his job and I never saw him again. Years passed and I got engaged and married. And my husband and I have move on and we’re happy and honestly it’s like it never happened.

But lately I’ve been getting dreams about him. They’re usually me running into him and asking if we could talk. Then it goes with him angrily telling me that I didn’t give us a chance or that he really cared about me but I didn’t care about him. And if always always ends with me just crying and yelling “I loved you! I cared about you! It just would not have worked. We weren’t supposed to be together. I miss you and I think about you every day and I always hope your doing okay” and it just ends with him annoyed or mad and he won’t acknowledge what I said.