**TRIGGER WARNING***

Miscarriage, ectopic, MVA, successful pregnancy

Hi all. I wanted to share my story and offer some hope.

In 2017, my husband and I decided to start TTC. I got pregnant in March and we were ecstatic. Told everyone, etc. Miscarried in April and was devastated. We kept trying and I got pregnant again in June, but it was ectopic. Since it was so early, they couldn't confirm 100% that it was actually in my tube, so I was given an MVA. It was probably the worst day off my life so far, because they gave me ketamine and it made me panic through the whole thing (which I could feel, and it HURT). They gave me so much ketamine that I couldn't see, hear, talk or move. I was hallucinating so hard that I forgot where I was and what was going on and thought I had died. It was one of the most traumatizing things that has ever happened to me. After that I was given a shot of methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy. Because of the sudden drop in hormones, I had a short but very intense bought of PPD, on top of also processing the MVA trauma and loss of a second baby.

I was starting to think something was wrong with me, that my body wasn't able to successfully carry a baby, or that I was too "old" (I was 34 at the time). My husband and I decided to take a break from TTC so I could heal and we could just enjoy each other without all the pressure. It was really nice, actually, and about 7 months later I was pregnant again, and we found out the due date was my husband's birthday. It felt like a sign!

Still, it was so hard to stay positive. Every appointment I expected the worst. Every symptom, every twinge. But each time I went in expecting no heartbeat or some other kind of problem, there wasn't any. Pretty soon my first trimester was over, but we were still so scared to tell anyone besides our parents. I started showing, but the period between prenatal appointments was torture, not knowing if my baby was ok. At one point I started spotting, and I was convinced it was all over. I was told everything was fine, and the spotting stopped after a couple of weeks.

Around 12 weeks I went in for genetic testing and I got to see my baby for the first time (instead of a flickering little gummy bear), moving and flipping around like crazy! Healthy. The right size. Perfect heartbeat. No chromosomal abnormalities. This was the first time I actually felt hope. We told our close friends and announced on social media, and I allowed myself to actually buy something cute for the baby (tiny sneakers with foxes on them).

My belly continued to grow, and I started to feel those first flutters. After they became regular little kicks, I finally stopped obsessing and relaxed. I was able to actually enjoy my pregnancy. We found out we were having a little girl. Penelope June Adrahtas McCartan was born on her daddy's birthday, 9/25/18. She is a happy, healthy, beautiful child and sometimes I still can't believe she's real.

I know some of you have been trying for years, or have had losses much greater than mine, but for those who need to hear it, don't lose hope💗