Feeling my depression spike

Hi all. I’m having a rough day. I know my hormones are all over the place but I also have depression and general anxiety, I have since I was a teenager. I used edibles for my depression and anxiety which was the only thing that I could function on. (I live in a legalized state)

I stopped everything the day I found out I was pregnant. I told my midwife about my use even before my first appointment because I went through infertility testing in the six months prior to getting pregnant. She had told me at that time that she would help me with a safe medication if I ever got pregnant and felt like my depression and anxiety was too bad too handle. I’m not sure why she said if, because it’s something I’ve suffered most of my life.

I haven’t seen that midwife yet since getting pregnant. (I’m about 10 weeks) I’m seeing her on the 14th but I am concerned about going on an actual medication. It’s something that I’ve never wanted to do, but now I am all over the place. I couldn’t get out of bed today because I found no point. This is supposed to be a happy time and I am so miserable and sad. My depression is making me feel like I’m going to be a horrible mother and that I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life. I feel so terrible and I don’t know what to do.

And please, I don’t need anyones judgement about the edible use prior to me getting pregnant. It’s what helps me and I haven’t touched any since finding out what I once thought was great news. I feel so lost.