Feeling so low

I feel like I talk so stupid and I’ve been smoking off and on for almost a year, I decided to stop last month because I realized I might really have anxiety attacks which I never noticed and that my depression truly is showing. I’ve had a problem with depersonalization when smoking which I also didn’t understand until I started to dig deeper into what I was thinking was wrong, I’ve been overthinking and feeling so self conscious in my thoughts that I keep asking others around me about how I’m acting or a certain thought. I’m wondering how to let a thought just pass or a memory just pass and not get caught up in understanding, I’m such a strong person and I know I’m smart and beautiful and can do so much in this life but right now I’m feeling like so much is wrong with me like I’ve been walking with false confidence. I was touched as a kid up until middle school, I remember a lot of family members knowing and seeing signs and not saying anything..I’m struggling with not blaming myself because I hate that I felt good during that time and how we continued that until such an age(something I’ve never acknowledged with others is how I even sometimes asked to play the game and I feel so guilty because to me that just means I wanted it to happen so..) As I grew up I talked to older men online and just started being reckless with how I viewed myself and how men even viewed me, i feel so disgusting and I don’t know why I did any of that at the time and being such a sexual person as a young adult I feel even worse because wanting sex and feeling sexual is such a disconnection from my mind and body. I feel so bad venting on here like I’m letting out emotions on people who are already going through things ...I just want to feel normal and stop feeling so bad for speaking and voicing my thoughts, I’m so annoyed that I’m doubting who I am and what I can do! Im tea hard on myself but I actively try to have a healthier mindset but right now I don’t know what to do anymore... I just want to be okay but I don’t talk about my feelings or let my walls down,I can’t keep going back to my suicidal thoughts. I want to live I just turned 23 ..