I lost my baby girl last Wednesday in the wee hours of the morning at just over 11 weeks. I haven’t talked about it, so I’m sure this will be a long, rambling post.

When I found out I was pregnant in early December, I was barely 3 weeks. We’d conceived on thanksgiving and I had ovulated early. It felt like some weird cosmic sign that this baby was meant to be; yet deep down, I felt like something was wrong. I worried for weeks until my first Appt at 9 weeks. And there she was, so perfect. She wiggled and moved and I tried not to cry watching the ultrasound machine. I was ecstatic.

We didn’t tell anybody except select friends. I still had fear in the back of my mind that something was wrong.

On Saturday, I started cramping. It was light, and I figured I was dehydrated. I relaxed on the couch and just tried to get in some fluids. That night, my boyfriend woke me up because my son was crying. Of course it was an “I want mommy” tantrum. So I got up, and that’s when everything got worse. My pants were wet, just slightly. I went to the bathroom after I calmed my son only to have my fears confirmed: I was bleeding. It was slight and my doctor assured me it was nothing to be concerned about. He placed me in a “threatened miscarriage” category but he also said bleeding can be completely normal. Because it had taken so long to hear back from my doctor, I was already at the hospital when he called. They did an ultrasound and checked all of my levels, and everything looked good. My sweet baby had a strong heart rate of 178 bpm and was measuring ahead of schedule. I saw my doctor Monday, and things looked good then too. I had labs drawn to test for genetic disorders and went about my business.

Tuesday night/ early Wednesday I was woken up by intense cramps. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t. Then, I felt this gush. Then another one. I figured it was the “heavy bleeding” that I was told to look out for; but I knew that smell. My water had broken. I sat on the toilet and just waited for the inevitable. Moments later, I felt this light release. I figured the nightmare was over; but I looked down to see this perfect little baby. She was stuck, as if my body didn’t want to let her go. It took forever. And as quickly as I found out I was pregnant, I just wasn’t. The hospital confirmed the loss and that everything had been expelled.

I’ve blamed myself so much. What could I have done differently? Why did my body fail our little girl? I feel terrible because a part of me prayed that the tears would come back that something was genetically wrong, like I could somehow place the blame elsewhere. The test results came back perfectly normal, and the baby was a girl. She was “completely healthy”. Those are the words the nurse used, then she quickly tried to suck them back in when she realized I’d lost the baby.

I went back to work yesterday, and struggled through the day. Here I am again, thinking about leaving. I feel broken, hurt, betrayed by my body. I’ve lost relatives, friends, significant others; but this is just different. I feel like I can’t do it.

So, if you made it this far, thank you for reading. I guess I just needed somewhere where I could actually say it.