Am I the only mom facing this? I have been having overwhelming depression, anxiety, panic attacks, body image issues....you name it, I’m feeling it.

As a first time mom, this is not how I saw this journey. We were so overjoyed when we finally got a positive after two chemical pregnancies before this current one.

But this pregnancy has had nothing but complications from being on bedrest due to two Subchorionic hemorrhages in early pregnancy till them finally resolving end of November, being told I lost my child multiple times and there was absolutely nothing they could do to help be due to having non viable fetal tissue before 24 weeks, wanting to do a D&C without an ultrasound before hand because with the bleeding I was having and clots I was passing I was told there was no way my fetal tissue was viable....

Now my son has been frank breech since I was 17 weeks 4 days and my doctor says my only chance is a ECV which isn’t successful most of the time due to my baby boys breech presentation. (Being frank breech I am told is the hardest to flip.) And I will most likely have to have a c-section for delivery.

I feel completely defeated by this journey that is only getting harder by the day. I am not ready emotionally or physically to face a major abdominal surgery and recovery.

Before pregnancy I was active and in shape but all that stopped in July. I face body image issues due to weight gain and being the largest I have ever been in my life. I am afraid of the scars emotionally and physically from surgery. I only see moms that have the dreaded C-section shelf and pooch. I always had flat abs and tummy my whole life... I know it’s shallow but I don’t want those scars on my body. I don’t want the internal scars in my uterus either. On top of this, I don’t know a single friend that has gone through this. They have all had 100% natural births or just had births with the help of being induced. I feel like my body has failed me this whole time.

I am afraid I will continue to not be able to be naked in front of my husband due to my own body shame and insecurities. Dealing with that now as I have cellulite all over my legs.... I know a scar, pooch, or shelf will only add to how bad I feel now....

Up till hitting 35 weeks 4 days I was able to stay optimistic that baby would flip. I had been doing every move under the sun from spinning babies, visiting a chiropractor that does the Webster technique, flipping over, ice and heat on belly, essentials oils to encourage flipping, you name it I’ve been doing it since I was 22 weeks along and bleeding stopped.

I now feel hopeless and trapped on a path I am not prepared to go down.

And on top of all this I am now faced with the face that I have ptsd from being medical POA for my grandparents years ago. My grandma died at the hands of a doctor due to medical neglect and malpractice in the same hospital I now have to give birth. My grandpa had multiple

staph and mrsa infections and poor care in this same hospital that jeopardized his health and life. I am so afraid of now putting myself in the care of any and all hospitals. I never realized how much of a trigger this all was till I now feel like a caged animal with no out or option for a natural birth.

I know this was a long post but it is my hope in venting I am able to process things. I have been crying and hiding my stress from my husband for days and weeks. I don’t want to burden him. He has enough on his plate from working full time, full time college student, coaching, study time, and helping in the home. It was only yesterday that I let him see me cry for one of the few times this whole pregnancy.

Sincerely,

Over stressed mom at the end of her rope just hanging on....