Hey babe,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m crying again. I’m sorry there are dishes in the sink and the beds are a wreck and the bathroom needs to be cleaned. I’m sorry I had morning sickness at almost 25 weeks.

I’m sorry I’m tired. I’m sorry I called you at the office. I’m sorry our baby has been sick for months. I’m sorry the specialist is so far away and I’ll be so far in this pregnancy, I’m scared to take him alone.

I’m sorry I suck at being pregnant. I’m sorry that it’s always so difficult. And I’m lazy. I’m sorry I have nightmares and pregnancy insomnia so bad. I’m sorry if you feel like I’m not holding up my end.

I’m sorry there is no money. I try to save us as much as I can. I cook. We buy nothing named brand. He don’t buy extras. You never seem to worry. But I do, baby. I worry about two in diapers. I worry about the pay cut you took in January. I worry about tuition for our oldest. And the car payment and the student loans and the bills. And the $900 in the account and $800 in credit cards.

Im sorry I’m lonely. It’s been months since we had sex. And I sit here alone with a clingy sick kid every day. And I love being a mom and I love having your boys...our boys. But I miss being your woman. I wish something fit me decent. Or that we could get a sitter. Man, I’ve tried 6 ways from Sunday to get someone to watch the kids. Just so we can use that Olive Garden gift card and just us go out. But the grandparents always seem to offer then take it back. Then make me feel bad. My mom has become notorious for wanting to give us a break then backing out. And I’m sorry. I wanted some time this weekend too.

I’m tired of crying. Stupid hormones. I feel so stuck. No money to go. Nobody to take the kids for just one night. Never seems like you’ve got enough energy or interest for sex after the bedtime routine and you’ve got work to do because you picked up the kids from school and came home early to help with them so I can cook in our dilapidated kitchen.

I love you so much. You’re a good daddy. And a good provider. We know how to tighten our belts. And trust God and work hard. Somehow the bills get paid. Somehow nobody goes without diapers or formula or fruit in their lunch.

But I’ve been here. In this pattern for weeks. I really miss a little romance. Or just a long kiss that turns into a quick sneak off to the bedroom. Or even just a kiss I felt wasn’t rushed. Or interrupted. Sometimes I miss sleeping in on Saturday and having sex...I miss making a point of being together because we were trying to have a baby. Seems every time we get pregnant it’s like stopping cold.

I wish I felt the least bit attractive. This huge belly. My skin is dry. Still heaving or whatever this far. Or when you come home I’m not covered in snot and spit and lunch. I used to keep the house so nice. Dinner cooked.

I know you don’t ever complain. But I can see it in your eyes. You work so hard. The least I could do is keep my stuff in order. I feel like more of a burden these days.

I miss you and me, babe. I miss you. After 10 years together, and our own basketball team of boys, I miss you. I love you. I appreciate how hard you work.

And if I could figure out any ways to give us a break. I would. I’m sorry I couldn’t pull it off this month. This weekend. I did try. I won’t be pregnant forever. We will get into the specialist next month and get our baby some help. I’ll try to do better with getting meals and the house and everything taken care of.

I still love you with my everything.