hopefully this is a place of no judgement..

It’s Feb 7th 2019. I got my surgical abortion on Jan 5th. I was 11 weeks measuring 10w2d. I regret it. And it’s only one month later. At the time of making my decision I was 100% positive of it. I didn’t believe on ever going back on that choice. Why did I want to get pregnant in the first place?? Because I’m lonely and I want somebody to love me no matter what even though I have been in a relationship and living with the same man for over two years now. I have 6 years of childcare experience, I would be an AMAZING mother. There are so many reasons. I am 20 years old. It made sense to get an abortion at the time and I was proud I was doing it. I almost flaunted getting an abortion because of how sure I was. We don’t make good enough money, don’t have a good enough house, etc. I’d want to at least have a portion of my college degree out of the way. We would rather raise a child in better circumstances than what we have/are now.

My boyfriend, before I “made the choice to get the abortion myself, and no, nobody was forcing me to”- had demanded me get an abortion or I would be ruining his life. He said I’d be ruining his life and so so so many manipulative things to me. He said he would not be happy ever again in his life if I kept the pregnancy. After hearing what he had to say and taking it in, after hearing what my family thought (keep it basically) and then creating my own thoughts in my head- I decided to just go ahead and get the abortion done. I have always been against it growing up. For example: friend to young middle school/high school Me, “what would you do if you got pregnant?” Young me: “WTF?! KEEP IT the fuck?? Why wouldn’t I? Are you crazy???”........... Yet I still did it...

I started my new “Patch” birth control one day after the procedure.

Fast forward to now... Despite everything I said................ I want to get pregnant again.... After EVERYTHING I said to myself.. About how getting this abortion will change my life for the better and allow me to get on track and start my schooling and make some money. I was MISERABLE the 11 weeks I was pregnant. Pain from nausea and constipating was a true killer. I stopped taking care of MY BODY FIRST because I was in so much pain and getting treated so badly. I developed skin rashes and other infections because it hurt to take a shower.. But I’m sorry..... Despite everything I went through, what I have said, my future, financial issues- despite ALL of that, I still want a baby right now.

But here’s the second dilemma.. I feel like I SHOULDNT be saying that. I OWE IT to myself, to my boyfriend, to my angel baby and my future baby, I owe it to my education, to my success, my hopes and dreams, etc, to AT LEAST not get pregnant again for A LITTLE WHILE. Even if I just waited ONLY ONE MORE FREAKING YEAR- then being pregnant and raising a baby for the first year will be THAT much easier... I’ll have the first part of my degree done, I’ll be employed in the field of my future higher degree, I’ll be making 5 or so more dollars an hour and my boyfriend will have a higher paying job... All of this, but at the same time- I feel I could do alllll of that and be pregnant and have a baby at the same time...

What do I do....

Rest in Paradise my first little baby... I have a feeling you were a girl... (based off of the “169” potential heartbeat. I honestly don’t even know what that 169 truly means).. Rest in Heaven, Heaven... 💜 Despite everything that was said and done- I loved you since the second I found out you were in my belly. Because of you, mommy is going to get herself on the right path in life with her education, finances, and every other aspect so she can create a better more solid foundation for your brothers and sisters life in the near future. I will see you in one of your brothers or sisters someday soon my baby, I love you 💜