I’m writing this because I thought I was over feeling hurt. Hurt by someone that’s suppose to be family. I will always feel so very dirty as a person.

First time you made me go down by holding my head saying you’ll tell all the adults if I didn’t. I felt so much shame and brushed my teeth to get rid of the taste.

Few years go by and we are teens. I’m sleeping on the couch and you climb on me then start humping me. I push you off and kick you in the balls. Hoping that’ll teach you a lesson about touching me. I grew up much more and stronger to defend myself.

It was a blessing that my mom moved me and brothers to Oklahoma so it was a fresh start to a new life. Darkness has a way of fucking with someone. Many sleepless nights from nightmares. I had to get counseling in eighth grade because I wanted to kill myself. I felt worthless, unwanted and filthy.

That night I had to stay at your moms place and you were there. Lurking in the shadows trying to get on me and touch me. I hid in the bathroom for hours just to sleep.

I blocked you on social media for being inappropriate around Christmas. I knew if I had gone walking at night with you then you would’ve raped me. Sad to say that is the truth. I saved myself from the possibility of getting assaulted.

I will never ever be around you alone. I finally was able to tell someone which is my bf. I thought he would judge me but he just hugged me as I cried. I struggle to let go when it comes to sex between my bf and I. It’s hard to not be in control and to relax. You have ruined that.

I blame myself for not protecting myself more and standing up to you. I blame myself for not telling my mom the first time. I blame myself for allowing you to control me.

As I write this I realize you have no power over me anymore and I am free. I am free to love, free to let people in, free to express. I’m free.

Just know if you ever try to touch me inappropriately I will kick your fucking nasty ass. I am stronger than I was before. Don’t test me. I will also call the cops after I beat the shit out of you. I will tell them that I beat the shit out of you too.

-A