This is our third baby. And somehow adding this child has made our marriage feel really strained. We live in a new city. I’ve never delivered here before. But my last deliver did not go well. I’m scared. He thinks it’s dumb. “It’s not like we are in a foreign country.” Just a small town. After the issues last time, I often worry about them not having the resources of a big hospital to help if something goes wrong. I’m having a csection for medical reasons. Yes I worry something will go wrong like last time. That wasn’t even two years ago. It’s a very real thing for me.

He works all the time. And money is tight. We are digging out after Christmas and some unexpected bills we’ve had. I’m a little stir crazy. I’ve also been so much more tired. I’m carrying low. I’m tired. I’m got zero help from outside of him. And this weekend I started cramping. Doc wants me to rest. I was already stir crazy. And he’s acted (to me) very resentful. Like I don’t hold up my end. Like I was stupid for even calling the OB over cramps. I don’t have cramps usually. And I did with my first child and ended up in the hospital bleeding and fearing miscarriage. I guess he forgot about that.

We just got in a huge fight Over going to get our son from school. My youngest is asleep. It’s my husband’s day off. I didn’t sleep well last night. Not that it matters if I do or don’t, by this point in the afternoon, I’m dragging. And add in the belly aches and cramps I’m supposed to be off my feet for, I’m tired. He’s tired. His job is super stressful. I have no job. I gestate and take care of the kids. And it feels like I’m failing on all counts.

Just once, I’d like for when he says “go rest” it felt out of love and not obligation or resentment. Like I know you’re tired. I’ll go get our son. You go rest while the baby sleeps. It’s been going on for a while. Acting like he’s annoyed or angry or resentful of me. Like I’m not doing my job. So I said something. Like a little compassion or understanding that I’m not able at this point to do it all, some understanding that I’m not sleeping, or even some reassurance that it’s okay. If his doctor had said stay off your feet, I’d have bent Heaven and earth over to make sure he was able to follow docs orders.

He barely touches me. I get it. I’m huge. But lately it seems like anything is a struggle. Money is a struggle. Zero intimacy forget romance...I’d just like him to touch me occasionally. I’m failing at my marriage bc I’m so lazy being pregnant and caring for the kids. Even when I try to get a sitter it falls through. We don’t have anyone local. And we don’t have the money to go out. And with kids in school, can’t exactly pack them up for grandmas who lives states away.

He said he’s not resentful. I told him to tell his tone or the way he talks to me or responded to anything I say. If you aren’t resentful, don’t talk to me like you are. He was super defensive. Like he knows I’m supposed to be resting...

But

BUT! This is our child in there. This is my body. You think I enjoy the pain and fear and worry and exhaustion and sleeplessness and checking for blood every time I go pee?

I’m so afraid this precious little gift is driving us apart. And I don’t know how to alleviate the distance and struggle. He swears it’s not me. Just a lot of stress. Money. Work. Coming home to me needing help instead of me having it together. I’ve seriously been pregnant forever. Let’s just have this baby so I can get my strength back.

Except I know once this child comes, it will only get harder. Babies up all night. Feedings. New routines. And recovery from birth.

I feel helpless. I wish he could hear how he sounds to me when he talks. I miss my partner. Maybe it is all me. I’ve got to suck it up and get things together. People have been having babies since the beginning of things. They certainly weren’t lazy and napping like I am.

I love this man. I have for 10 years. He’s my person. But this time, I’ve felt so much distance. Like this child, the unexpected gift, is driving us apart.