I was raped at least 3 times by my ex. I say “at least 3” because there were 3 very clear times where he raped me out of anger, to punish me, and I was crying and screaming and it was an out of body experience... one time included sodomy. I say “at least” because our entire relationship consisted of him pushing, guilting, and forcing me to have sex with him, where I would just agree after getting tired of begging and pushing him away. Anyways....... I was with him for 3 almost 4 years. We broke up around February last year. He went missing for a while after that, he didn’t have a phone and all his friends were asking me where he was and I had no idea. For a while I wanted to get back together. I’d FB message him about how sorry I was for leaving him & how no one else would ever love me but him. (He really had me convinced that was true.. he was physically and mentally abusive as well). I sent him tons of messages about how I was worried for his safety because I really was. I’d cry out of worry for him. Well by the grace of God, it was many many months before he did get a phone and was able to reply to my messages and I found out that he was okay and not missing, just off the grid. But by that time I had moved on. I am an entirely different person now. I am stronger, I’m in love with a man who loves me & treats me the way I deserve. We’ve been dating for 8 months and we are so happy. But.... lately, my ex has been popping up in my life. He came to my job about a week ago. I want it to be clear that I have NO feelings towards this man and I have no intention of ever being in a relationship with him again. But I was nice to him... I spoke to him.... it’s more about our history if anything. A few months back he texted and said he was in the hospital and needed me to contact his family (they aren’t close so he doesn’t have their numbers, he needed me to FB message them). And I did. But I just wanted to know if I’m insane? Why would I keep dating a man who raped me? Why would I run out of the house and steal

his phone and be ready to call the police after he raped me... but then choose not to call.. get back in bed and let him cuddle me to sleep. Why would I still care for him and worry about his safety. Was I not really raped ? I just wanna know if I’m truly fucked in the head or if anyone else has ever been in this situation.