**please don’t read if you are still pregnanT, I do not want I scare anyone.**

My pregnancy was Just a little difficult. I was told in the first trimester I was miscarrying as my son didn’t have a heartbeat at 8 weeks. Well, Leo surprised us all and the doctor found a heartbeat right before we were going to give up hope. Second trimester I had bleeding and was put on bed rest. Got off bed rest and made it to the end of my Third trimester to be put back on bed rest.

Me and my husband always wanted 3 kids and despite a somewhat difficult pregnancy I still did. I made it to 40 weeks and my doctor was concerned I wasn’t dilating at all and my son didn’t seem to be growing anymore based on fundal height measurements alone (never did an ultrasound) so he scheduled an induction. He warned me due to the fact I wasn’t dilated at all it would be a very long process and I had a 50/50 shot of needing a C-section but they were concerned about my son’s health.

I went in on a Wednesday night to begin the induction process. They started 12 hours of cervadil. I dilated to a 1 and was 60% effaced by morning. The doctor then decided to do 4 rounds of cytotec 4 hours apart.

The cytotec started contractions immediately. I was moderately uncomfortable but not enough to cave on the IV pain meds. I decided, despite wanting an unmedicated birth, that I would get an epidural in the case of an induction so I was holding out for that. For 16 hours I was having contractions registering around 40-60 on the tocometer. I wasn’t getting any sleep and was so exhausted. During this time I was not getting cervical checks and opted to wait until the end of the 16 hours.

A nurse came in at 4 am on Friday, January 18th and checked me. I was at a 3 and 80% effaced so the doctor decided it was okay to start pitocin. The nurse started the drip and stayed for 30 minutes to monitor me and baby. The second she walked out the door I began experiencing a very painful contraction. It got worse and worse and wasn’t letting up after a minute. My husband had left to get coffee and I was in so much agony I couldn’t speak or reach for the call light. I could hear my son’s heart rate slowing and his monitor was beeping but they had trouble keeping it in place all night so I had no confidence this would bring a nurse in. Luckily a hospital volunteer came in to drop off a gift and saw what was happening and got a nurse. The contraction was measuring 100 the whole time and lasted 6 minutes and 45 seconds. It took them an additional 2 minutes to find my son again. It was terrifying.

They injected something into my IV to flush the pitocin out. I was feeling an extreme amount of pressure, like I needed to push, and the nurse checked me and I was only at a 5! I couldn’t believe it. I told her I was experiencing a huge urge to push and she told me I had never given birth before and probably just didn’t know what was normal and not to push. At this point I was so drained and emotional I asked for the epidural. They came in and gave it to me around 6 am. I wasn’t able to sleep, but I rested for several hours.

At ten, the on call doctor came in to break my water. I heard her saying something to the nurse and then she turned to me and said, “there is no water. Did your water break?” I thought back to the week before when I had called L&D several times asking how I would know my water broke because I felt leaking. They gave me tips and tricks and I always passed the test. That same week I asked my doctor to check me and the test came back negative. I told all of this to the doctor and she said “I think your waters are gone and I think your baby may have passed meconium.” Then she just left. I was in shock. But the nurse assured me everything would be okay.

About 20 minutes later the doctor came back and said “look. I have been watching you all morning and with everything going on I need you to know your son’s heart rate keeps dropping into the 50s. I can’t say for sure because I don’t know for sure but I have a feeling something is very wrong and I want to do a C-section. But I will leave it up to you.” Immediately my husband and I said “yes”.

We were prepped and by 11:45 we were in the OR.

I had an epidural so I didn’t need a spinal block and they went through the whole “can you feel this” while prodding me and I couldn’t, but I felt an INTENSE pain in my vagina. Right at my cervix. I was yelling out and the doctor was telling me she wasn’t even touching me down there and the anesthesiologist told me she could knock me out but it would send my son to the NICU. I said no, literally bit my tongue, and waited for it to be over. The pain was by far the most intense pain I’ve ever experienced. I heard the doctor say “oh my gosh”. The pain got more intense and I yelled out, and then it was gone and I heard my son crying. I started to sob because I was so relieved my rainbow baby was alright.

I saw him for the first time then they took him and my husband away to put me back together. From that moment on I remember nothing for 24 hours. I don’t remember holding my son for the first time, feeding him, anything. I had a very bad reaction to the morphine and experienced a type of memory loss that is very uncommon.

The doctor came in the next evening and told me in all her years there are times when she recommends a C-section and regrets it because the woman could have done it on her own. But she told me my son would have died if I would have pushed. By the time I was in OR I was dilated to a 9. The pain I felt was my son’s head attempting to come out ear first. He was lodged and she had to physically push him backwards to get him out alive. We would have broken his neck if we hadn’t got back exactly when we did. And I had no water at all. He came out dry and peeling but 100% healthy. He didn’t have to go to NICU and he was alive.

My birth wasn’t anything like I expected or wanted. I wanted a natural, med free birth. I wanted to be the first person to hold my son and remember that moment forever. Unfortunately after 3 weeks my memories of that first day are still not back and there’s a chance the never will be. I may never remember the first moments I held my baby and it devastates me.

I am now afraid to have children in the future as well because of everything. Not only the birth, but the recovery. I don’t take narcotics and developed an allergy to the Motrin they prescribed and I couldn’t take anything else for pain due to the bleeding risk. I developed double mastitis at 2 weeks postpartum and it ended my breastfeeding journey. I am not ungrateful my son is here because he’s so perfect but I am so scared of becoming pregnant again. After 2 miscarriages before him and everything we’ve been through, I’m terrified. I just needed to share my story and reach out for support.