How do you become submissive to someone’s needs and desires. How do you put aside the jealousy paranoia and rage built from the actions of someone. Losing someone to the behaviors created as a direct cause of their selfishly painful carelessness and down right disregard to human feeling is a complete paradox to me.

I’m struggling to let go of past pain, even more so when some of it is still so presently here. New challenges erupt and completely knock me off course. All the steps I believed to have taken to regain any trust and whole felt love has taken a huge hit. Repairable but weeping slowly through cracks and although they have been rebuilt, still sit on the very foundation from which they once fell. If the cracks are still visable then surely they are still weak, fragile, always close to shattering. How many times can the same cracks be mended. Forgotten until in need of saving once more. How many new cracks can appear before all hope is gone. I will give this everything I have. And when I am completely spent with nothing left to give I will find more, from anywhere that I can. But it won’t come without great unrepresentable damage to myself, my worth, my soul. I must be prepared that if I one day leave this. I will not be the person I once was. I’m feeling colder.