Today I was...WAS...(that hurts to type) 5W3D pregnant. Feb 21st I would have been able to hear my sweet baby’s heart beat.

Instead, I was told to go to the ER by my OB after mild spotting from yesterday, turned into a gush of blood this morning as I got dressed to go to work and teach my precious students.

After 5 hours of sitting in a room being stuck with a needle for lab work, and crying through a vaginal ultrasound, I was once again told that I was experiencing a miscarriage. My second miscarriage. This positive test was even more exciting than the first. I thought I’d never be able to get pregnant again. But even though I was excited, I was more fearful. Fear won over that excitement from the very beginning.

I remember getting my first positive test exactly one month after my wedding day. I remember the excitement in my heart, all of the things I pinned on Pinterest, all the cute little baby socks, and all the stuffed animals I would buy each time I made a trip to Wal-Mart to get groceries. Buying things for that baby was so precious. And then, they all got tucked into a drawer in our guest room so I wouldn’t have to be reminded of that miscarriage any more than I had to be.

Today I was reminded of that first miscarriage again. With yet another miscarriage. And you know what? It shattered me. It tore me to pieces, and completely broke me down. “What is wrong with me? Why won’t God just give me a baby I can keep forever? I would be such a good mommy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Why did He not answer my prayers? Those prayers that I would pray out loud as I lay in bed every night with tears of joy and fear running down my face...was He not listening?”...That’s just the first few seconds of things that went through my head.

I’m not really sure why I’m typing this huge long post right now. Maybe it’s because I need to get things out that I feel guilty for saying out loud. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to even say any of this out loud. Maybe it’s because I need some one to listen, and maybe just one person will read this and pray for me.

I know I’m not the only one out there feeling this pain. I know there are hundreds of thousands of mommies just waiting on their rainbow baby. Maybe I want to speak to those moms. I want you to know that I know you feel alone. You are left without answers. If you’re like me, you’ve apologized to your significant other for being broken and not being able to add on to your family. Nothing anyone says or does helps the way you feel, and you can’t do anything for yourself either except try to sleep and hope to disappear from reality for just a few hours.

I know this doesn’t help, but I’m praying for you. I’m praying for us. I’m praying that we find answers, and I’m praying that we get our baby without any more miscarriages.

We are strong. We will get through this. We are still loved. We can still have hope. We can be sad. We can be angry. We can be anything we want. We can be mommies still, even if it didn’t happen this time around.