Okay so this is something that’s been heavy on my mind since the day of this trauma. When I was 15, I lost my virginity. I didn’t give it away, but it was taken from me. Around this time of year four years ago, I was raped. While it was happening I was so drunk I hardly understood what was going on. I actually thought I was making out with my friend who I had an unofficial relationship with. I consensually allowed him to touch me and kiss me. It was only when I called the boys name who I thought I was with and he told me who he really was that I started to panic. I remember him saying “I’m not _____” I stopped and asked what and he told me his name. It was the boy who had turned violent after I rejected him the year before. We were good friends but he developed a crush on me and came out about his feeling and things turned really sour. He didn’t like my response at all and he quickly became someone I loathed. So when he told me who he was I drunkenly tried to push him away but I think I went limp from the booze and began passing out. I was coming in and out of consciousness and he kept touching me and then ripping my clothes off. The next thing I remember he said something along the lines of “perfect fucking tits” and I just remember feeling sick and I started to cry. He doesn’t stop and tries to flip me over that didn’t work because he was a scrawny, kid and I was not. So anyway, he tried to get me to suck his dick and asked for a blowjob and I just cried more and more. And this point he must have been struggling with me for a few minutes and I began to sober up and wasn’t as weak and limp. Before anytime I tried to push him off my arms felt like there was no bone or muscle in them and I could hardly move. I could hardly speak but The only words I spoke after were stop and no. But as we were struggling I just started screaming at him to “get the fuck off me” and “fuck off” and pushing him. There were a few people upstairs so he panicked. Yelled at me to shut the fuck up and grabbed his clothes and went upstairs. The rest of that night I was a vomiting, raging mess. I’d never behaved that way in my life. That day was extremely traumatic for me. However, I have never felt like this was something that bothered me. I sometimes make myself cry over it when I’m

Alone because I feel like i should be feeling pain from this. I have borderline personality disorder as well and I just don’t understand how I have never FELT this experience. It doesn’t feel like I’ve been violated and raped and so much more that rape is and does to a person. It feels more like he’s a kid I hate and got punched in the face by him. I have never heard of anyone else almost not caring about being raped. I feel wrong. I don’t know if I have just completely suppressed my emotions about this since after the day it happened or if I am just emotionally challenged on worse was than my BPD. It scared me that I don’t feel any particular way about this. Can anyone else relate? I’ve never spoken to anyone about this so honestly. I need to because this has cracked me more than the incident itself and that doesn’t feel right. I just feel wrong.