Triggering

So I’m 21 and have struggled with an ED since I was 14. I’m a lot better now but I’m also pretty big. I’m supposed to be in my brothers wedding and wanted to lose a little weight but my brain is spiraling down the rabbit hole. It’s like my brain can handle me eating absolutely anything and everything or I don’t eat anything. There’s no happy medium. I’m so tired of this. Why can’t I just eat healthy without having to think about every little calorie.