Okay ladies, I'm going to start with a little trigger warning just in case. I was sexually abused as a very young child and a victim of rape once as a teenager. I didn't know this would affect my birthing experience, but it did and that's why it is mentioned. So here's my story (it is a very long one):

I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes so my doctor suggested induction at 39 weeks. I'm a ftm but was already dilated to a 2 and 50% effaced so she didn't think I'd have a problem progressing. We were admitted to the hospital at 11 p.m. on 02/07 and started with cytotec incerted vaginally to soften the cervix at 1:30 a.m. on 02/08.

Started pitocin on a low dose at 6:30 a.m. - stayed at 2 cm.

Inserted the folley balloon per my request at 9:00 a.m. The doctor wanted to break my water at this point, but I wasn't ready. We went with the balloon to help me dilate further with the plan to break my waters once I hit 3-4 cm.

The Foley balloon fell out just before noon and I was 4 cm when checked afterwards.

My water broke on its own right after this at noon.

I was checked around 1:30 p.m. and I had progressed to a 5 and 80% effaced so pitocin was increased.

I was planning for an unmedicated birth so at this point I was pretty much left alone to labor. Let me tell you, pitocin contractions are NO JOKE. I was getting contractions 1 minute apart, sometimes less. It was rough, but I pushed through and found ways to cope. I started getting tired and asked to be checked for progress.

4:00 p.m. I'm checked. I expected to be at least a 6 or 7 after such intense contractions for 3 hours, but was told I was still a 5.

Discouraged and exhausted, I asked for the epidural at this point - 10 hours after first contractions started with pitocin.

Baby wasn't in any distress and his heart rate was perfect so the doctor agreed to let me continue laboring despite no progress for 3 hours.

I got the PERFECT epidural at 5:00 p.m. All pain was gone, but I could still feel everything. Contractions became nothing but pressure, almost like my Braxton hicks had been.

At 7:00 p.m. I was still a 5.

Doctor inserted a catheter into the cervix to test the effectiveness of my contractions. Since I was having lots of strong contractions close together but with no progress, they thought maybe they weren't pressuring the cervix effectively and this is why I wasn't progressing.

Test came back showing the contractions were effectively pressuring the cervix, so they raised the pitocin significantly in the hopes that it'd push me to dilate.

At 9:30 p.m. I was checked again and still a 5, but this time the nurse mentioned she felt scar tissue and asked if I'd had any surgeries. I haven't, so she said maybe she was mistaken.

This got me thinking and I immediately wondered if it were possible that I DID have scar tissue. As I mentioned before, I was raped as a teenager once at a party and was also sexually abused for years as a child. I was scared to ask the nurse if this were possible cause for scar tissue, but after bringing it up to my husband, we agreed to ask. The nurse confirmed my fears, and said that it is absolutely possible especially considering my rape was pretty violent.

Scar tissue doesn't stretch.

This means that no matter how hard I tried, the chance of me dilating past a 5 was extremely, extremely low. Maybe even impossible.

At this point I had a breakdown. I felt angry. I felt robbed of my birth experience. There was no way of knowing that I had no chance at a vaginal delivery otherwise I would have been scheduled a c-section to begin with. It felt like a loss, and I had to cope with this for a little while before making a decision.

At 10:30 p.m. (after 16 hours of painful and unnecessary labor) I consented to a c-section.

The surgery itself was awful. Physically, there was no pain and my doctors actually did a wonderful job. However, I was so terrified and still upset. I vomited before the procedure as well as during while on the table. I was shaking so badly that they had to strap me to the table in order to begin. My poor husband was brought to tears during the c-section because I was obviously not coping well.

But out of all the physical and emotional pain I endured throughout this process, here is the beautiful and happy ending:

My son, Nathan Samuel, was born on 02/08/19 at 11:11

He was 8 lbs even and 19 1/2" long

Perfectly healthy and absolutely beautiful! He is an absolute miracle and I am so in love. ❤ Hearing his first little cry immediately brought me peace. I stopped shaking and instead became very calm and sleepy. The doctors let my husband hold him and stay next to me during the remainder of the procedure.

I am still healing physically from the surgery and very much so emotionally as well. I feel some sadness and anger when thinking of my experience. Most of my life I have felt like "damaged goods" because of my abuse. This entire experience really fed into that and it made me feel like my abusers had stolen a beautiful moment from me. This was my first child and I will never get that back. My son is the greatest gift I have ever been given and his birthday is the happiest day of my life. I am just slightly disappointed that I will always feel slight pain when remembering his entrance into this world... I wanted to share because I had honestly never even heard of any story like this. I wish I had been more informed of the possibility so it wouldn't come as such a shock. Being in labor and also having to deal with such a blow is not ideal.

But to end on a happy note, here is my beautiful baby boy. He is the calmest, quietest little baby I have ever met. He barely cries and he has been so easy on his dad and I! He is the most beautiful little blessing I have ever received. 🌈😍