Woke up to pms cramps this morning and my usual spotting for the start of my period. Happy Valentine’s day!

Just need to get these thoughts out of my head....

Knowing my period is here is not the hard part though. The hard part is seeing my period due around this time and the excitement... The symptom spotting and hope that grows. The daydreaming and planning how fun it’s going to be to give my husband a positive pregnancy test for Valentine’s day. Telling him no we don’t need to do gifts but hoping for this surprise! How excited my mom would be seeing her card love “and youngest grand baby.”

How I’ll make a little mailbox for my son and one for baby as a cute keepsake of this exciting time. Oh or maybe I’ll get an “I love being a big brother” book for him! Finally get that big brother T-shirt for him!

How I’ll bring a king cake to work for Fat Tuesday with a card that says something like “not the only baby to be found... Baby arriving Oct. 2019.

18 months of ohhh maybe at Easter, Fourth of July!, husbands birthday, my birthday, son’s birthday, Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, three years since I had my last positive and other silly milestones...

I try every month not to get my hopes up. Not to symptom spot. Not to test before my expected period. Not to stress.

All of that happens anyway.

I just want to make my sweet boy a big brother! I’m longing to be pregnant again to experience all that comes with it and having a newborn. I want to experience labor again. Nurse a sweet squishy baby for hours a day in our own little world.

I know “God’s timing is perfect.” It’s just The longer it gets the more I wonder how I can even love another baby as much as my son. I legitimately broke down in tears the other day over the thought of my son having to share my attention. That any future babies will never get to experience the undivided affective my son has for two and a half years now. At what pint do we throw in the towel and start looking into other ways to grow our family? Could I really be okay with having an only child...

Happy Valentine’s Day to my littlest Valentine that is still being perfectly made and grown in Gods hands, we can’t wait for that positive test to know you’ll soon be on your way. God just sure is taking extra care in making you and all I can do is continue testing for any issues. pray for peace in this time of waiting for you.