So i will try to keep this short. But a little background required.

It took 6.5 years to fall pregnant with my son. Desperately wanted. Then....

My first pregnancy was very difficult and fraught with danger. I had gestational diabetes and expected a large baby. My son was born 4lb 2oz at 36 weeks due to IUGR and spent 9 days in NICU. After a failed induction 12 hours of oxytocin a failure to progress,gas and air the only pain relief he started to get distressed and I had an emergency c section. To say it was traumatic is an understatement. Then having him taken away to NICU was almost to much.

10 months later I fell pregnant with my daughter. Surprise!!!! Very happy surprise yes, but not expected. Due to not being over my last birth and having issues with fluid collections and scar pain. Of course gestational diabetes again i elected a c section for her delivery.

Fast forward to now, i am 35+4 weeks pregnant with baby number three. I was hoping to have, or at lest try for a VBAC as recovery from my second c section was also very difficult with wound break down and again fluid collections.

I have very limited help with my children. They are still very young not yet 4 and 2. I again have gestational diabetes and have been told a VBAC is out of the question because of my high BMI and already having 2 cesareans. I have been given a date of the 26th. So only 11 days from now. Baby is larger, not super huge, but they want to deliver at 37+1 weeks to prevent any further complications.

I totally get it i understand, i have had hard pregnancies. But i don't want to have my 3rd major abdominal surgery in less than 4 years. I don't want the pain and healing. I want the opportunity to birth one of my babies naturally. I hate that every other person in the room (theater) gets to touch my baby before I do. I just don't want to do it. My recovery is going to be compromised once again because I have no help. My husband can only have very limited time of work. It's really messing with my head. I am afraid of disconnecting with my baby before she is even born. I have been bought to tears several times over the past couple of weeks just thinking about it. By nature im a pretty tough kinda person who has always been able to adapt. Im just having a really hard time dealing with this 😢