*long post* After i had my baby girl i was of course tired and what not but i felt.. Good. My baby has always slept at night 🙌🙌🙌 and i cosleep so ive always gotten more sleep than the average new mama. I had my struggles as a new mom of course but my mood was great. I didnt have the baby blues or anything. My baby does have reflux and gas issues, which im giving her zantac and probiotics for, so she is a very fussy baby, but a couple weeks ago i was able to deal with it just fine.

Something changed about 1-2 weeks ago though. Ive started getting really frustrated when she gets fussy, and then feeling so extremely guilty for feeling that way since its not her fault at all. I get so frustrated that i want to tear my skin apart, and then so guilty about it that i want to jump off a bridge. I also feel guilty for not engaging with her all the time when shes awake, like talking to her and such. I do sometimes, but i just feel so much more exhausted lately and its hard to have a conversation with someone who doesnt talk back. But then i feel super guilty about that and i feel like she doesnt feel loved from me (even though i love her more than anything). I just constantly feel like im doing horrible and im a shit person for being frustrated and not talking to her all the time and she deserves so much better than me.

I also started having sleep issues. Ill wake up to feed her at 2 then not be able to go back to sleep til 6 or 7 after i feed her again. Im tired but my mind keeps racing and remembering my old life and missing people (after i found out i was pregnant i moved states and have no friends where i am now). I dont eat very well either anymore. I just have no appetite and every time i eat anything i feel so full that im going to throw up. This past week has been the worst, ive had days where ill cry all day for no fucking reason its so ridiculous im never like this i hate crying. Im usually so flow-y and positive and never angry that this is all new to me and i dont know why this is happening or how to deal with it. Ive been doing yoga every day to try and center myself and i talk on the phone to my best friend almost every day and go for walks every day, but no matter what i do i always get back to that place of deep frustration and guilt and sadness.

I want so badly to enjoy this time with my daughter and i hate myself so much for ruining it. I just dont know what to do it seems to just keep getting worse. I dont want to talk to my ob about it because she'll try to put me on meds and ive been on every ssri in the book and theyve never worked for me. Im trying to get in to see a therapist but i have state insurance so im waiting for someone to be available, probably wont be for another month or two. I just feel so hopeless and like i cant cope. Alot of times (and this is what i feel most guilty about) i just wish i had never done this and that i could move back to my home and see my friends again and have my life again (which makes zero sense, my life was shit before and i know that, but i just get in those moods sometimes). I love my daughter so much and she saved my life, i just want to be happy.

I dont know, i guess i just needed to write this all out, thanks for reading if you did.