Is it good?

ada

I'm only 13 but I want to be an author when I grow up. I usually mess around with teen romance, but recently I started working on a thriller sort of book. So here it is, please tell me you opinions.

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Silence. I awake in a strange bed, one that I cannot recall in my memories. One that forces me to believe the worst, I've been taken. Kidnapped. My memories are fuzzy, but still, I remember my name. Pearl Wright. A normal sixteen year old girl with two loving parents. The walls around me shake, and as soon as it began, it ended. I think I’m underground, there's no windows and a single door across the room. I stand up, but fall back down when the pain in my right leg makes an appearance. I bite my lip to stop from howling in a mix of fear and pain. I hear keys jingling and the doorknob starts to turn. I press my back against the wall wincing when cold metal meets my bare back. It's only then that I notice my ripped shirt. The strings that have been pulled from my skirt, and my shoes, one missing the heel. A man walks into the room. He looks around his mid thirties, maybe 6’4. The way he looks at me sends a shiver through my entire body. His smile is almost a smirk, his eyes are wide yet also squinted.

168 views • 9 upvotes • 6 comments

COMMENT (6)

Da

Posted at
Love it!!

uf

Posted at
Brilliantly written. You draw a perfect picture in my mind. Except, I think I would make two edits. Leave out the " I think I'm underground" part for now. I think this detail can be brought up a little later to make the reader wonder where she is for a while. Make subtle hints at it making it one more piece of the puzzle to solve. Instead describing what the air would feel and smell like underground. Then when the man walks in. I almost want this person to be called a shadow. Till her vision clears a bit more. "A shadow walks through the door" then insinuating that she's seeing clearer, "he's so tall he has to duck under the door frame" Don't tell us an exact height, make us picture it. You darling, are very imaginative and talented! Keep up the good work! I look forward to seeing your book on shelves!

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ada • Mar 15, 2019
Thank yo so much, this is very helpful.

Ol

Posted at
I love it!! It’s really good and it grabbed my attention and made me want to read it. I also have been doing some writing recently and maybe try to do more show not tell in your writing it would make it even better. But I think it’s a great piece!!❤️

Tr

Posted at
I love to read. If a book doesn’t grab my attention in the first few pages I can’t read it. Well, you grabbed my attention! Great start!

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ada • Feb 21, 2019
Thank you so much 💞