When you become pregnant you watch your baby grow. You watch them bloom and you’re amazed how close you’re to them already. They stole your heart without meeting eye to eye. Mine stole my heart and ran with it to heaven. I have less then half of heart in me.

This picture it beautiful to me. My beautiful stomach growing. As much as it hurt and the morning sickness and the things that came with it. I’d do it all over again I think any mother can say that because you gave birth to something that will love and cherish and look up to you forever.

After a year of my son gone. My mind isn’t fully here yet some days I forget I even was pregnant, I had a son, I’m a mom, I gave birth to a still baby, I arranged a funeral for my son and held and said goodbye for the last time as I hugged his coffin kneeled on my knees as I soaked his onesie.

Now I lay in a bath I see a scar where they took my little man out. A reminder that brings me back to reality. My son is forever gone. He’s air, he’s not here he is completely a old image in my head.

In the bath tub I lay and I sob. I sob because I wonder if he’s cold at the cemetery. I sob because I wonder if he’s proud of me. I sob because I won’t see him walk or hear him talk and say mommy or mama or call me a random name. I sob because underneath me is my basement with all his things he will never use. I sob because I wonder would he sing like me? Be a goofball like me? Be a doctor, teacher or president one day. Would he be clumsy like his mother? Laugh like his mother? Not know how to cook like his mother? I just know he would of been something unbelievable great and I and he won’t get to see it.

This picture I was beyond thankful and happy.

Now when I lay in this bathtub the water gets cold fast. I see my scar and no baby.

I love that scar now and I love those stretch marks he gave me. It’s a reminder that this was his home. He made my stomach his home. Even though I didn’t Bring Kane home I made a great home threw and until labor.

I am the 1 in 4.

I learned to cry whenever I needed to. Scream. Shout. lay on the floor. Sob in the shower. Be still. Run. Walk. Create. Live your truth. Share without fear. Listen. Release your pain. Breathe. Be courageous. Throw away the map. Wander. Be real. Be compassionate. Read. Seek friendship. Be vulnerable. Don’t fear being broken because you know what?

In Japan, broken objects are often repaired with GOLD. The flaw is SEEN as a UNIQUE piece of the OBJECTS history. Which ADDS to its BEAUTY.

I consider this when I’m broken and still am now consider it when you’re broken.