**LONG POST WARNING**

**TRIGGER WARNING**

At the age of 20 years old, almost four years ago to the date I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease. The three years prior to my diagnoses I thought something was wrong with me, I sat in doctor's office after doctor's office begging them, pleading with them to test me for something. I insisted something was wrong. Doctor after doctor turned me away, saying nothing was wrong, I was emotional, it was puberty and hormones. One doctor in particular said, you're a woman, you just feel this way sometimes, eventually you will learn to control your feelings. As if this constant state I was battling inside was a feeling. I became severely depressed at 18, believing something wasn't wrong with me and I was actually crazy. Nobody believed me, I started to not believe myself either. After multiple suicide attempts, years of self harm, battling an eating disorder, and wandering aimlessly through life, I felt so lost. At age 20, after the worst breakup I ever experienced and yet another suicide attempt I was hospitalized. I was there a week, seven days and the longest seven days I've experienced in my life. They found out I was pregnant, I wasn't sure what I was feeling but there were dozens of emotions. I begged the doctor and told her something else was wrong, I remember praying to God for something, for an answer. I didn't just feel this way, something was wrong. Finally after three years of dozens of doctors, tens of thousands of dollars in visits, medications, wrong diagnoses and unmeasurable suffering, one doctor spoke up. Nobody, in three years had tested my thyroid. They ran the test, and my levels were off the charts, my TSH was less than .002 almost undetectable in my blood, my free T4 was over 5 and T3 was over 10. The doctors were amazed. My doctor said she'd never seen levels this high, they said the slew of medical problems I had been having were all because of these tests. I finally had an answer. I was right something was wrong with me. Ultimately my Grave's Disease caused a miscarriage and my world was turned upside down even more.

Fast forward to now, four years later my husband and I have been TTC for roughly one year now. Last week I went to the doctor because I haven't been feeling well. I had never seen this doctor so given my history she order some lab work for my thyroid. I came back today for a follow up. She told me my TSH was .006, my T4 was 3.52 and my T3 was 9.3. I realize most if not all of you have no idea what any of these things mean, but I feel so lost today I don't know where else to turn. After hearing this my doctor told me it is unlikely I will get pregnant while dealing with this. She referred my to an endocrinologist in hopes they can figure out a better treatment plan. My doctor said they most likely won't remove my thyroid because of how young I am. She said they would most likely up my medication and follow up regularly. However she said the medication that I'm on makes it extremely difficult to get pregnant on and continues a high risk of miscarriage if I were to become pregnant. I asked if there was any other medication I could take and unfortunately the only other medication that is considered "safer," (not by much) for getting pregnant and "safe" for use during pregnancy doesn't carry the same potency as the one I need and isn't as effective. Meaning I could take it but t's likely that it will not help my thyroid. When I started to cry and beg my doctor to tell me what she was saying. After I got myself together she told me it is unlikely that I would get pregnant because I'm too young to have my thyroid removed and my Grave's Disease is too advanced to take a different medication that will make it easier on my body. I am devastated. She told me there was a less than 5% chance of getting pregnant until they removed my thyroid but it's likely that they won't do that for at least another four years. My heart is broken, I am devastated.