I miss my ex. He was my first boyfriend and looking back I fell for him harder than I thought I did. I think about him every day. Some days are a lot harder. I miss him so much that some days I literally ache where it hurts. I cry. I overthink constantly. I torture myself over little things. I think was I not enough? I think that I should've been more forward, I didn't feel comfortable inviting myself to his or comfortable talking to him about things that worried me. So the things that did worry me built up for weeks. To the point that I became so ill. When I did pluck up the courage to talk to him, it was too late. The damage had been done. I didn't trust him. And it breaks my heart looking back because I was so happy before it all went bad. He was the first guy to ever hold my had. My first kiss. He waited weeks for me just to kiss him. We're both 21, I was his third gf, and he was pretty experienced so the fact he waited meant so much as most guys wouldn't hang around. He made me laugh to the point I was in tears he was that funny. I remember on some of our best dates I would feel so happy and excited from them I couldn't sleep, I'd wake up with a massive grin on my face. It was like the teenage romance I never had. I felt like a teenage girl. He made me feel so many things in a short space of time. I was the good girl, I stayed in school, kept my head down, he liked the fact I was level headed, sensible and not a liability. He was the sort of bad boy with a heart of gold, he did drugs as a teen, both ex's cheat on him, one long term gf abused him, called him names, cheated on him for months, they lived together, she miscarried their baby. He went through a lot before meeting me. He had so many wounds but he still smiled like nothing bad had ever happened. He was always so happy and cheeky. He liked the fact I was kind to him, cooked him dinners and baked him a cake (😂). We started off great and it just slowly lost itself, I had trust issues, insecurities (still do) and felt I was a burden to him. He was in a lot of pain because of his back, we couldn't see each other as much as I wanted because he worked long hours and we lived in separate towns. We probably rushed into a relationship too quickly when we should've taken it slow to build a foundation. I should've been more forthcoming with things. He should've talked to me about how much pain and his health problems. We split almost 4 months ago on good terms, promising to take care of ourselves and focus on what we need to do. For him sort out his health and job. For me figure out what I was doing with my life. Since then I started working full time and began a degree. I don't know what he's up to now, we last spoke on the night of our breakup. I don't wanna search him up because he could've moved on and that would hurt more than anything. But he's still in my thoughts. All the time. I cry for him. My heart aches for him. I want all the best for him. I know we split for a reason, I need to sort out my anxiety and insecurities before going into another relationship. But I miss him like crazy. I miss his hands holding mine, they always felt so rough because of his job which I loved. I miss his cheeky grin. The fact he had loads of stories to tell. His humour. His taste in music. His cars (he liked them loud and fast as do I). I know the whole if it's meant to be it'll be but there's days where I wish I could forget him. He left such a lasting mark but it's devastated me. I'm crying my eyes out while writing this. There's so much I could say but I have work in the morning. I don't know what to do. I think of him at work when it's mad busy, that's when I shouldn't be thinking of him. It's not constant, thankfully there's points now where he's not on my mind, but something always reminds me of him and it starts my thoughts off. A guy wearing a similar cologne. A song he liked. A car the same model as his. I didn't think I'd still be thinking of him but here I am, just as heartbroken, maybe a tiny bit less so now, as the day we split. I don't know how much more I can take. I wish those men in black zapper device things that make you forget actually exist because I could do with blanking out him and all the amazing memories we had. I'll never forget our first date, he took me in his loud beautiful car to a road next to the airport and we just talked and watched planes land/take off. It was the latest I'd stayed out, almost midnight after a meal that flew by. It was magical. He made me feel magical and light and special. When I locked eyes with him we just shared this small grin like we both knew how we were feeling. I wish that night had gone on for hours. I wish I could relive it once more. How we talked the night away. How time always flew when I was with him, ironically like the planes taking off. There's so much I wanna say. I wish I could've done things differently, be more open with how I felt my doubts with how he acted with certain things and maybe we could've worked through it. If a couple things hadn't happened I'm sure I would've told him I loved him. Because I do. He's the only one I've wanted for months but I was so scared of getting my heartbroken. Turns out it did anyway. I don't know. If you made it this far (god you deserve a medal) but cherish your loved one, keep them close and know you're incredibly lucky and that I wish everyone all the love and the best. Even my ex. Even if that means he's found it with someone else. I hope he's happy with her. Because he deserves the world and nothing less💛