i can’t tell any of my friends this so this is me just getting everything out. i don’t think there’s much advice anyone can give me but hey if you understand what i’m trying to say i guess id like to hear what you would do

i guess i’m sorta in love with my best friend. me and him met in 6th grade and we have this thing where we would fade for a while then come back together and be close, then fade and be close again. we’re in 9th grade now, and where we’re close again. he hadn’t had his first kiss yet (i have) and he said he wanted it to be me, his first kiss. eventually i said yes, although i was afraid he would eventually regret me. the first time we kissed, i leaned in and kissed him and he held my face in his hand, after i laid in his arms and we just talked for a while. but, i remember clearly how his eyes looked at me. the looks of pure joy filled them and i felt happy for the first time in a while. then weeks pass and it seems we grow apart, we stop talking as much and we start to fade and i’m worried that this will be when we fade for months on end, and within those weeks i was in the worst mental state that i had been in a while and all i wanted was him by my side. but he wasn’t there, and eventually i guess you could say i got over him emotionally. however last night he just so happened to be at a friends house down the street from mine. i snuck out and met him and his friend and we walked back to their place and i stayed there for an hour or so and just talked to them, around 3AM he (my guy), walked me home, 1. so we could talk w/o his friend and 2. he didn’t feel safe letting me walk alone. i decided to sneak him into my basement so we could be alone together. when we first walked in he sat on the couch and just looked around claiming he thought the room was bigger and that he didn’t think it looked the way it did. he then went to the br to look at his hair because i kept telling him i didn’t want him to cut it, so i was in the door frame and he was at the mirror, he turned around and pulled me in by my waist and pressed his forehead against mine and asked if he could kiss me, i said yes and we did. then we went to the couch where i got on top of him and we kissed more, then he left and have me and as i was walking him to the gate bc i brought him through my back door he pulled me in again and kissed me over and over again, then he pulled away resting his head on mine then kissing me on my forehead and leaving. just in that hour i got with him to myself i felt so happy and like i was floating on air.

but he doesn’t see me the way i see him. yes i’m over him emotionally right now, and we’re still going to continue to be friends with benefits. (yes so far we’ve only kissed, but i know us and it’s going to lead to more) but always deep down i know i love him and there’s always going to be a place for him in me heart

i know i’m young but everything’s so confusing and as i said i can’t tell my friends any of this due to many reasons, i just felt like i needed to try and understand what i’m doing and how i’m feeling for this boy.