Why do I suck at this?

I cannot for the life of me figure this tracking stuff out. I can't find my cervix (either it's up so far I can't reach or it's super low and has been for at least a week not moving which could be my bladder, I have no clue), I can't use a calendar (nursing my 15 month old and cycles are so messed up), I can't take my BBT because I wake up too often (temps are all over the place). It's just so frustrating! What can I do to make this work?