A year ago I decided to attempt suicide. My life was shit, I was shit you know typical sever depression a suicidal feelings and thoughts.

They said things would get better and they did. I moved to a different state. Found a job that I loved. Lots of things I wanna do. I got my apartment have a guy that loves me. Things are going great! But why am I looking back last year today wishing it went through. Why don't I feel happy? Why am I always having to fake smiling and fake feelings and fake wanting to have sex and force having conversations. Why am I still not happy?

You know I told myself for these past few months that maybe I'm just getting used to this change. I just tell myself that I'm just tired from doing overtime every week. What really made me notice how unhappy I was and also brought back a lot of these feelings back was my boss harassing me.

Now, I'm trying to really look forward for things. I'm really trying but I cannot fake that. It is too hard and I think I'm depressed again.. I don't want to tell anyone but i just needed to get it out there. At least it's not real suicidal plans that I'm thinking of and it's not sever depression. I am afraid for the people around me if I become severely depressed again, I made a promise to them that I'm afraid I can't keep sooner or later.

I'm just tired of living because yes, things did get better but what good is any of this if I can't be genuinely happy or excited about it. I didn't get excited for getting my apartment I didnt get excited when my man brought up wanting a baby I'm not excited that I'm almost 21 in 2 months. Idk. I hate talking like this and I hate to be a downer but how do I find myself out of this.. I don't even want to get out of my place, I don't want to go our but I force it all the time.

I'm tired and I wish it just followed through last year. I was doing so good but how did I fall back? I don't understand..

I'm just tired.

When I over dosed^^