***meant to post this in “rant”. Don’t know how it got put in “sexplanations”***

I don’t even know where to start. My parents have a complicated marriage in that, basically they don’t get along, don’t really agree on much, and don’t spend time together, but refuse to get divorced. They’ve never really gotten along to be honest. They’ve always gotten in knock down drag out fights that usually resulted in my dad going too far and breaking things, etc. so needless to say, this wasn’t a fun environment to grow up in. I’m not gonna act like I had a terrible childhood because of this, because it wasn’t all bad. I had friends, and cousins to play with, a roof over my head, food to eat and toys to play with, but I definitely carry some emotional baggage. I fear my father and I don’t really feel safe around him. I have a lot of fear that I think stems from his inability to control his anger. He has a violent past, even though he’s never hit my mother, he’s thrown things at her and at the wall. They didn’t (and still don’t) have a doorknob on their bedroom door because he once took his anger out on it. I used to be afraid that I’d come home and find my mom’s body because he killed her. That fear started at 6.

The part of all of this that really hurts though, is my mom’s reaction to my emotional trauma. If I mention that anyone else in the world hurts me, she’s like “fuck them! They’re an asshole!” But when I bring up the trauma from my father, it’s “well he’s still your dad”, “he’s not always like that” and “he works hard.” Or worse, she doesn’t say anything.

Not to mention all the hurt he put her through and is still putting her through. She just told me that on Sunday night he was being rude toward her. I know she won’t leave him. Partly because she can’t afford it, and partly because this crappy marriage is just what she’s used to.

I just wish she would acknowledge that having him as a father has put me through some shit, and if I don’t want to see him or speak to him ever again, that’s my choice. You don’t have to keep toxic people in your life, even if they’re family members.

I wish she would feel a little bit bad about keeping me in that situation growing up. He was like a ticking time bomb or a volcano. We never knew what tiny thing was gonna set him off or make the anger explode.