I had to get this off my chest. My boyfriend and i started dating in highschool his 11th year my 12th. He's a year younger than me I'm currently 20. We got together January 2016. We had issues like most teens do jealousy, trust issues we often broke up due to jealousy of each others bestfriends. We finally decided to give it one last go and i ended up pregnant around January 2017. I had my daughter Oct 2017, things were rocky between us we fought constantly. Looking back on the situation I realize now my mental illness being untreated caused me to become a whole different person. My mental illness doesnt excuse what i did. I would hit him and belittle him, he would hold me in a bear hug so i couldn't hurt him. We stayed together til April 2018, he quit his job and decided to treat me how i treated him. I didnt like it so my daughter and i left, we took a much needed break i went to a trade school got a job doing what i loved. My mom and i got into an argument about him having his visits with our daughter. I left and moved back to my hometown with my grandparents in July. We were co-parenting as best we could with. We ended up in a friends with benefits type situation and i ended up conceiving our second child november 2018. I'm due August 2019, we moved in together in December. Things were good but still had major arguments about twice a week. It was as if i thrived off the fact i could easily hurt him with words. I was an asshole, bitch anything you can think of for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I finally talked to my doctor and told him i thrived off hurting my boyfriend, that i hated him, couldn't be with him, wished i could harm him. And that my daughter caused me to have break downs almost daily, i was stressed all the time and lonely and sad and hurting. He suggested i start medication, its been about 2 weeks. I absoutely love life I'm so happy and carefree, i love being around my daughter i dont get frustrated i don't have break downs. My boyfriend supported whatever decisions i made for my mental health. Let me tell y'all i do not deserve this man i was such an ass and i cant change that now. But i can be better, i realized i absoutely love him so much he's my bestfriend, my world, and i adore him. My mental illness had me so deep into a pit i didn't realize how terrible i was. We havent had any arguments in the past two weeks. I know its not a lot but its a small victory for us. We hold hands, we kiss, we hold hands while we sleep, i do things that make him happy (make his favorite meals, desserts) just because i have energy and i want to. I see my flaws now and medication has helped so much. I know i will be judged for being that way to him. But im trying and he accepts me, all he wants is me to be the best i can be. The point of this post is to say, if you need help get it. Undiagonsed illnesses can cause sooo much harm. Bi-polar depression almost took over my life completely but I'm getting the help i need. We're working on it as a family. His family I've told them everything, they're supportive. They're happy he's helping me be my best self. I'm thankful for him everyday, find your reason to get help. If this inspires you to get the help you need I'm glad. Never be ashamed to talk about it. My doctor told me with my daughter if i would've told my doctors how i felt, this whole thing could've been avoided. I could've been treated then and never had to deal with this all. But its helped us grow. Thanks for taking the time to read this