I need to share my birth story simply to get it off my chest. I'm happy my little one is here, but I am devastated at my experience. It replays in my mind every day and I'm not sure how to get past this. So many people tell me it's done and over with and I just need to move on, but they haven't been through it.

First, some background. Ten years ago, I completely fractured my L1 vertebrae in a freak accident. I had 2 major surgeries to fuse my T12 and L2 together and install a cage, rods and screws. I have a large foot-long scar on the side of my body as a result. It took a long time to recover, and I thought that incision healing would be the worst pain I would ever feel.

On February 15th, I was 40+5 and scheduled for an induction that morning. Not ideal, but it is what it is. I was progressing very slowly. My water broke on it's own after a failed attempt by the doctor. By the evening, my contractions really started to pick up. I had an anesthesia consult and was reassured that everything would be fine if I needed the epidural. So I decided to get the epidural and it was fine for awhile.

The next day, I noticed the epidural was wearing off. Pushing the the button for more did nothing for me. After being in labor for over 24 hours and not progressing past a 5, the doctor decided to do a c-section. I was very nervous. Obviously surgery is not new to me, but for my back surgery I was under general anesthesia. The idea of being awake during a surgery really freaked me out. I asked the doctor to reassure me that I wouldn't feel anything other than tugging.

It started out okay, but I could still move my feet and I kept wiggling them to show them. I felt almost high from the anesthesia, and then I heard them begin. Within a few minutes, I felt the anesthesia wearing off and the worst pain of my life flooded over me. I started screaming that I could feel everything. The anesthesiologist had left the room and they had to page him back in. They could not administer any meds at that point until my daughter was out. I felt everything, and thought I was going to pass out from the extreme pain. Then I started feeling them stitching me back up until the doctor administered a local anesthesia. They only let me get 3 hours of sleep that night. I have been exhausted ever since, trying to recover and care for my daughter, who is quite fussy.

I am trying to get past this, but I am traumatized. They gave me pamphlets on PPD, but I am not upset with my baby. I am upset at the situation. It replays in my mind and I cry every day. The incision is my constant reminder.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I never imagined this would happen to me and just need to vent.

Edit:

This is my daughter, Aubrey. Even though she's fussy, she is the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I still wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone.