Pregnancy and splitting from my fiancé and Reasons Why and I’m broken and damaged and feeling uncertain about the new baby coming October 9, 2019😭😥

Here is my story and I need women empowerment. From June, ,2018, when I first moved in with him the very big step in the beginning. He was in love with me and his friend Tasha. I had his phone one day and read all messages for months. He says he will always love her and have feelings for her and be the number 1 woman in his life etc so many hurtful painful things that crushed me. We talked about it and he deleted her number and claims he stop talking to her. HUGE red flag and I still stayed. I was in so much pain I ran outside that day like a lost sad puppy searching for help. I should’ve packed up and left but gave him another chance. He got with me and had doubts about me and compared me to his ex wife. Let his friend Tasha, Lee, daughter talk shit about me. I was mentally and emotionally abused by him. He was also flirting on social media’s 😢😭💔💔💔💘💘💘. Another big flag... sneaky and flirting problem:( his nick name is sneaky dog and he sure does live up to that name. So many people we have mutual friends warned me about him. His own kids and mother told me about his ways and told me to leave him plenty of times because my heart is soooo pure and my soul is golden. I’m a good woman and I know nobody is perfect and we all have flaws but once you hurt a woman once or twice you think a man should learn better but NOT! 😞 I kept being patient and believing he will change. Before moving with him he was so amazing sweet and convincing he was different until the broken promises came about. I moved in and all the darkest things about him and his life and secrets came to the light. It’s like he gave me a false fraud him. I feel womanized and manipulated. As good my heart is and how much I felt for him I kept thinking he would change but of course not. Excuses and broken promises. We lived in apartment at time and he was also watching porn and we had sexual difficulties on his part because he’s 45 and I’m 24 still big age difference but I’m fine with my sex life but he had a problem with his ego and had insecurities but I accepted it all and still stayed shows how much my heart is good. Made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him because he didn’t believe in his self and knew I wasn’t 100% satisfied but i maintained to work it out with him. When I had many times and opportunities to leave him but I didn’t. So from June-August 2018 was always something with him. August we transitioned to a house something bigger for us all. I believe October I was on social media one day and some friends messaged me and Facebook and Instagram and there was a message from a friend on Facebook he said he wanted to give me a massage because I told him I’m stressed and had nobody and I said it sounds good to get one but I didn’t feed more into more convos with him and couple other messages from old male friends just checking on me because on that day me and the fiancé broken up. I had a mental break down that day I went into the closet in the dark cried my life out because he hurt me so many times I had nobody in this house. Trying to be a wife and step mom but received emotional abuse from him and the kids at time was a lot for me too handle so I hurt him when he seen those messages. I also did modeling so i always had men in my inbox and he had jealous and insecure problems😥 so I admit to finally hurting him back because I didn’t get the relationship and love and the men I thought he would be for me so he hold that against me like I’m the worst person ever but he don’t understand he pushed me away. So Constant arguing and fighting and breaking up and getting back together. Everytime I get back being happy and glowing again he would do good for only a month and its back to him doing something stupid again. He don’t think about his actions and how it will affect me and our relationship 💔😥😭. Continuously things about him that don’t change. He has a bad anger problem. His pride, cockiness, assholeness ways messed up the love life. His response to things he do it’s always I don’t know why I did it and I don’t have a response or what to say💔 everyone who knows me says my heart is amazing and I deserve better. My ex’s still want me back to this day. I’m not saying I’m perfect I have my flaws but trust me I’m still a good loving woman. I love hard so when I get hurt 😢 I feel like I’m drowning and I been through enough in my life and I wish I didn’t have a big heart. We broken up in January 2019 of this year for good because I finally wasn’t weak anymore and I got too my breaking point and received my power back and was like you know what this is not me don’t accept this shit. I’m a queen, God’s child, I deserve better I’m young I don’t need hurt and pain and broken hearts. We still live together until I get my own place. Emotions and still arguing. I found out I was pregnant beginning of this month. Right after we break up 😥💔 we been going through a lot still trying to be friends and be cordial and co-parents. He’s been trying to get me back but he see I got too my last breaking point. I’m too damaged to get back with him. So he now he realized me and him are actually done for good. Hes used to bad habits and his past that he thinks pain and hurt is okay and for him break up make up . It’s not healthy. Recently he reached back out to his friend Tasha through email 📧 to talk to her about his feelings etc and his excuses was because he been feeling down and lost and needed someone because I wasn’t there. I have always been there and still am but out of all your family and friends you go to talk to Tasha the one you been flirting with and saying inappropriate things too when you moved me in and proposed to me smh out of all people you go and communicate with her. That situation with him and her is the reason why our relationship failed in the beginning. She is married by the way and she would text him all the time and she knew he was proposing to me and she kept talking to him. I told him if tasha was in my shoes if she seen her man flirting with another woman she would be hurt. That lady had no sympathy or mercy for me and he didn’t either :( IN LOVE WITH TWO WOMEN which is Me and her but of course he didn’t be with her because she married. I see she still holds a big place in his heart and always will be number 1 😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔 because he misses her and loves her and needs her. My thing is you don’t hurt the ones you love. How would he feel if men was treating all his daughters this way 😥😂😤 I know we not together and it’s clear. I don’t have a problem with him talking to people but out of all people you right back to Tasha the number 1 woman you hurt me with and email her and I’m pregnant now with your baby is another big disappointment and broken heart. It’s disrespectful. Make me believe had still been talking to her for months behind my back and he still thinks about her. Shows his loyalty, love and respect for me has always been slim to none. I regret so many things with him. Now I’m so damaged y’all now pregnant with my second baby at 24 with another older man i figured would do me better but age is nothing but a number men still have a lot of growing to do. My first daughter by another man he was older and he did me dirty. I feel so crushed to be a single mom with 2 kids and not married. I gave him my love and it wasn’t enough. I feel unaccomplished, scared, worried, feared, depressed, lost, overwhelmed, hurt, miserable, unhappy as always, confused, suicidal but won’t do it I love my daughter and trying to love this new baby but he done too much damage to me, disrespected, disappointed, ashamed, disgusted in disgraced. I really feel so horrible right now y’all that I don’t know anything I’m just waking up everyday and taking my life for what it is. I thought about abortions but I been talked out of them so now in process of keeping the baby. I just want all this to go away and all the damage to go away. I really don’t want to be bothered by nobody. I don’t want nothing to do with men anymore and relationships. I’m tired of being sick and tired. I’m just DUMB AND STUPID YALL. How can I allow myself to go through this!! I beat myself up everyday. Now I have to live my life with me and him trying to get along and raise this new baby 😢💔 8 weeks pregnant and I feel like I died inside. Damaged heart and feel so blank in my mind. This little baby in there I feel so sorry for the baby to have to grow up this way and see how much his or her dad hurt me. I’m trying my best to get this ladies but all I do is cry inside and out and I just want to be in the dark! [any rude or negative things please just don’t comment] !!!! FOR ANY WOMEN THATS OUT THERE SUFFERING OR FEAR TO LEAVE SOMEONE PLEASE GET UP AND FIGHT AND SAY ITS ENOUGH EVEN IF ITS KIDS INVOLVED. It’s okay for us women to communicate and confess this stuff. IM FINALLY 🚶🏽‍♀️ WALKING FROM THIS PAIN. Please pray for me y’all.