I’m looking maybe for some advice or someone who’s been through something similar, or also kinda just to get it off my chest because I have absolutely no one to talk to. I’ve tried for months to get a counselor and I never get called back. Sorry this may be long.

My husband and I have been together since January 2015 (knew each other for years because of school) and got married that June. I know that’s soon, but at the time I believed he was the best thing to ever to happen to me and I was the same to him. We wanted nothing more than to be together forever because we were instantly best friends and inseparable. After a couple years he started telling me that he fell out of love with me probably within 6 months of being married and in so many fights he would tell me that he loved me, but he wasn’t in love with me. Whenever we’re not fighting he can be so loving and makes me feel so important and tells me he loves me all the time. But yet still our last few arguments this year he’s said that he knew we wouldn’t make it ever since this one time he did acid and said he just saw things not working between us. Yet here we are still on our second baby (I’m due in July) and when he’s not mad or depressed he acts like everything is perfect. I know him having BPD (borderline personality disorder) has A LOT to do with it, because I’ve done so much research on it and that’s how they are. They say things they don’t mean when they’re in an episode and they have a hard time with relationships (romantic and in general). We didn’t know he had this until about a year ago, and he’s been getting worse (with the BPD, not me) since then. My problem is that I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore either 😞 I never thought I’d feel that way because he’s been everything to me since we got together and I love(d) him with everything I had. I still love him because he’s the father of my kids and he’s still my best friend, but it’s just that everything he’s ever said to me that’s fucked up in some way still plays in my head daily, regardless of if he meant it or it was just his BPD talking. All these things added up just sort of made me resent him as a husband. Not to mention that with his BPD he’s developed severe social anxiety and barely will leave the house and hasn’t had a job for more than a few weeks in 2 years, and hasn’t worked at all since fall last year. I’ve been supporting our family and also doing everything at home. He doesn’t like how our 1.5 year old son is and wont ever watch him, so even tho he’s home all day, my mom baby sits while I work. We live with my mom for now because with him not working we haven’t been able to afford our own place until the raise I just got, so we plan on moving out this summer, and he won’t go downstairs around my family so I have to go down and make dinner alone every night (and every other meal on weekends), I have to do laundry myself unless no one is home, etc. He only keeps our upstairs room and bathroom picked up (still doesn’t actually clean the bathroom either, only I do). I just feel like his mom these days. It’s like he’s only with me so that I can provide everything and have sex with him (he had a high sex drive). He says he doesn’t know when or if he will be able to work. He finally agreed to find a therapist and get on medication, but yet I have to call and get him the therapist and also pay for it because he refuses to see someone in our county, so our insurance wouldn’t work. I know I shouldn’t be with him, I’ve known for a while now, but I just feel stuck. It makes me cry every time I think about it because he’s all I have (not literally, I know I have my kids) I have no friends, my family doesn’t actually like me and they all judge me every chance they get, and he’s the only one I can talk to about anything and everything. And I don’t want to leave the father of my kids homeless because i know that his BPD is getting really bad and I know it’s not all an excuse, I’ve seen what it’s done to him, he’s not the same charismatic, happy, loving guy he was when we first got together. It breaks my heart. Plus he gets really suicidal when he’s in his low points and I don’t want him to just kill himself if I do tell him I can’t be with him anymore. Not to mention he probably wouldn’t ever see the kids if we weren’t together and my son adores him and I don’t want them (unborn one included) to grow up without him. I feel like I have no options and I’m just stuck feeling so depressed and alone everyday.