😞

My soon to be ex husband, Adam, and I met in middle school. He was pretty much my first everything. We were on and off through high school, you know petty teenage drama 🙄 we both enlisted in the Army and got married while we were in AIT. At that point, we had been together for about 6 years and we were both sooooo young. I was barely 18 and across the country with no friends or family. He was a pretty shitty husband & partner. He cheated all the time & told me I only cried rape on deployment to “get back at him.” I also found out on the day I was deployed, that he got another girl pregnant over exodus break. We got married Jan 17, 2012 so that means he would have been cheating in December 😭🤦🏼‍♀️ I tried to make it work when I came back home. I paid for 3 plane tickets for him to come back home to TX to try and work things out, but he never showed up. He was discharged from the Army for drug and alcohol abuse & given a less than honorable discharge & stayed with the other woman in North Carolina...now he is delivering pizzas, still with the other woman and has 2 kids with her.

My life went on of course and I haven’t seen him since he told me goodbye before deployment in 2012. I met my current SO & he is the exact opposite. He is my best friend, the best supporter & provider, I really couldn’t be any happier. He is a firefighter & really does try to show me how much he loves and cares about me.

But I’m 25 now, & Adam is finally filing for divorce. (He has refused to sign every time I have pushed it on him because he gets an apportionment of my VA money for being a “dependent”) We’ve been “married” for 7 years and separated for all 7 of them. But it still hurts so much. Yes, I am happy with my current SO and my life, but I am still so mad at him. Even though he was so horrible to me and cheated all the time, I still wanted him to pick me. I always picked him and he NEVER put me first. I am so mad at him for never giving me a chance and trying to make things work. I hate that the other woman is getting the best of him; the loving, caring, good father. All I ever wanted was for him to love me in the same ways I loved him. I still miss the good parts of him.

It doesn’t help that when he’s feeling down, he will text me things about how much he misses me and wishes he would have been better to me. He has told me he is sorry for how he treated me and none of it was my fault. I hate that he never realized that before and feel like I’m missing out on the best version of him. I feel guilty for feeling like I miss parts of him because my SO is so great to me. Idk if it’s because the separation/divorce will be final or what? It’s almost like l’m losing him forever now that it will be official, even tho I never really had him. 😩😞 I know all of this probably sounds so dumb, but now that he’s finally going through with filing, it’s really breaking my heart all over again.