I’m fighting a battle within myself. I feel like the person I’m fighting to be is drowning. Being drowned by this evil inside me. It’s trying to take over who I am. And no matter how hard I try it’s successful. I’m dying inside and I want to live. I want to live so badly. I want to feel alive. I want to feel happy. But this horrible thing is taking over me. Taking over my emotions, my mind. Taking over my life. It’s ruining me. I’ve never felt less like myself than I do today.

I swore I was getting better. I started feeling a sense of normalcy again. I started feel less anxious. I was able to leave Ana and not have a panic attack or feel extremely anxious and empty inside. But now I just feel sad and angry and lost. Like there’s this huge cloud over me and there’s no sun in sight. It’s something you hear about but don’t know if it’s really there and I’m scared I’ll never find that sunshine again.

I’ve never felt so scared. I’ve never felt like I had this little control over myself. I feel alone. I feel like I have no one. I feel like no matter how much I talk about it or how many times I try to pick myself up I keep getting knocked down, lower and lower each time.

Postpartum should be talked about way more. People should speak up and speak out because I know I cant be the only one feeling this way.

I know that there has to be other woman that feel like they want to kill the part of them that is feeling this way. I dont want to die. I really dont. I want to live more than anything.

I picture this beautiful life that I want to give my daughter. This successful & strong woman I know I am supposed to be. I imagine a happy family that has a bond that can’t be broken.

But there’s this thing inside me that keeps putting out my fire. Keeps drowning me and keeps dimming my spark.

I’ve always been a fighter but for some reason I feel like I cant fight this battle. I feel defeated. I feel weak and I feel broken inside.

I feel like I’m chasing an escape. I’m looking for this door to run out. I’m searching as if my life depends on it. And no matter how many times I feel like I finally found the magic door that leads me to freedom there’s another door behind it and this evil thing inside is just laughing at me. Laughing at my pain. Laughing at the fact that I feel absolutely insane.