Little back story...

So I was diagnosed with depression when I was in 5th grade at age 11 and at the time they thought i had adhd so of course i was put on medication then I was having some mental break downs mind you I was still in 5th grade and the diagnosed me with schizophrenic tendencies and was put on medication so now at 11 in on one depression pill and two controlled narcotics.

Next I'm 12 and in 6th grade on lexapro and concerta and risperdal and now I'm unable to sleep nothing new to be honest so they diagnosed me with insomnia and put me on trazodone. So now on top of two controlled narcotics and now technically two depression pills.

Skip forward to freshman year in high school I'm 15 and they just took me off risperdal because I'm not having mental breaks anymore but I'm having anxiety problems now so they put me on buspar and lorazepam cool now I'm taking like a handful of meds and nothing is making me feel level. So when I was 17 I quit taking my meds cold turkey.

Skip forward im 20 years old been arrested twice now the last one because of a very violent mental break down and I'm sitting in a psych ward an hour away from home, my grandma is dying of cancer and I just got into a relationship.

Now I'm 22 almost 23 me and the same guy are still together and ttc and now I'm realizing shit I have anxiety and depression and insomnia and the kicker I'm bipolar.. great mix right. I'm am terrified I mean I have to get off all my meds because none of them I can take while pregnant and I'm known for violent tendencies and what my kids get bipolar disorder? I've been asked that so many times like why would you risk giving you child bipolar disorder are you fing nuts. I am beyond scared because what the hell am I going to do honestly I feel like if I give this to my kids I'm a pos