It’s almost been a year since it happened

Maybe I am not ready to share it to people in real life but in the <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">eve</a> app I am.

He was someone I meant off tinder back in 2016. I thought we would hit it off great because he was such a fun guy to be with and I felt comfortable. I was not into dating seriously. I wanted to see how it is but I got attached to him. All of a sudden he would ghost me out of nowhere. Block my number and social media. I wonder why he would do that. Leave me crying and my head messed up. Then would come back by just popping up in my messages. The way he would talk to me was like nothing ever happened. He kept doing this repeatedly throughout 2017 and a little in 2018. It would be a few months of not hearing from him and then a couple months talking to me.

Forwarding to March 8, 2018

I got home from class at around 8pm. I checked my Snapchat to see that someone added me. It was him. I added back to see what he said.

Him: hey

Me: what do you want?

Him: are we cool?

Me: you know you fucked up right?

Him: I know and I’m so sorry for that.

I don't have an excuse as to why I just disappeared. I was not ready to be in a relationship even though you and I were really getting along good. You took care of me. You and I having sex was amazing and I wanted that all the time but i didn't think you would want that with me so instead of working that out with you I ran like a coward. And for that I'm sorry

I really just wanna give you a big hug and say I’m sorry

I don’t remember how the rest of the messages went but I wanted to hear him in person. I told him to come over because my body was shaky, had a drink and did not feel safe to drive. I did state to him that I gave up sex for lent and didn’t want to do anything. I specifically told him that if he tried to get in my pants I would get my boxing gloves and beat him.

My mom and dad was out of the country and my bro was out having drinks with his friends. That leaves the house to me and my pets

When he came over he instantly gave me a tight hug and repeatedly said I’m sorry. We were just standing by my front door hugging for a bit then he kissed me. That kiss turned into making out. He wanted to lay down and cuddle. I was like okay let’s go to the couch because the lights were on. He didn’t want to go to the couch and insisted on to going in my bed like old times. I didn't wanna go in my bed because I knew that would lead onto sex. He said he wouldn’t do anything. I was mad but I was also like fine I did not want to argue any further. Thinking I would keep my guard up. We got to my bed and turned the lights off. He was caressing me and kissing me. He wanted to give me a massage because I told him I had a pretty stressful week at school. He told me to take my shirt off and I asked him you can’t give me a massage with my clothes on? He said just take your shirt off and it wouldn’t be a real massage if I did not touch your skin. Still a bit mad but I took my shirt off anyway and was just in my bra and pants. He was giving me and nice back massage and started kissing my back up to my neck then ears. He flipped me over so that I would be laying on my back. He started to take my pants off including my underwear. I asked him what are you doing? I don’t know what he said to me but he kept kissing and took all my clothes off. He took his clothes off as well. Kissing my neck I told him I said no sex I told you I gave it up for lent. He said we’re not going to and still kept going. Then he was inside me. I don’t know what happened to me. I just laid there and let him do whatever he wanted.

I was sober that night. I sure don’t remember giving him any consent nor did he ask if I was okay. The worst part is that consent or rape was not in my mind that night. Everything went normal after that then ghosted me one last time in beginning of April. Forwarding to May around finals I was watching 13 reasons why and there was a scene about sex and consent that hit me. I thought about that night and didn’t know what to consider. I chatted with a stranger anonymously and told her the situation from that night. She told me if I didn’t give my consent then yes it was rape. I cried myself to sleep. I was horrified and disgusted with myself. How did I ever let that happen IN MY OWN BED and how come I did not fight back? He was the worst I ever met.

I kept this to myself for some time and haven’t wanted to have sex at all. I try to forget about it and some nights it was hard to sleep. I told only three good friends at the end of summer and another friend in the fall. I saw a school psychologist twice. I feel like it did help but then it didn’t. Fast forwarding to today, that night I will think about it especially that it’s gonna be a year since it happened. This February has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me. During the day I’m happy but deep inside I wanna cry.

I choose not to report it because it’s been so long and I don’t wanna deal with taking it to court.

My goal right now is to find that peace and closure.