So I have been a single mom to my first son since dec ‘16, I finally started dating this past August of ‘18 and I dated the guy until January this year, he was great and fun but I saw some major character flaws that just didn’t work for me. He was lazy, inconsistent with his words/actions, has a drinking problem (not HORRIBLE, but enough to be an issue), he doesn’t do anything unless he “feels it” never went out of his way to do anything for me, he did treat my son really well and was very sweet sometimes and I’m a big words or affirmation person, but then he would treat me like crap like go back on his word or lie or make me feel bad for something I shouldn’t etc.

For example we went on a trip to the snow got in a minor argument and he left me and my son in the truck for 45 minutes while everyone went in and ate without asking me if we needed or wanted anything and we had no heat in there. I thought the kids were just going pee. Then again, one night after a big blowout with my parents about my staying the night with him sometimes he said we should just move in because we were there so often so when I went grocery shopping the next day I brought them to the house and wanted to sit down and talk about it more and he went back on what he had said saying he didn’t think it was a good idea because of whatever cowardly reasons. Leading up to that and after that we just weren’t doing well together because I saw what you see when you get close, the flaws, and they were red flags to me. So I broke up with him about a week after as we just didn’t do well together period.

He doesn’t really go out of his way for anyone he “loves” and mooches as much as he can, he also hasn’t actually worked for months, his involvement with my son seemed very conditional, etc.

I broke up with him the first week of January and about a week and a half later found out i was pregnant. He had already slept with someone else at that point but dropped it with us trying to work on things.

Within a couple weeks he asked to treat me on a date that week, then less than an hour before we are supposed to leave he says he actually can’t afford it and I suggested we do something at the house or something cheap like it didn’t have to be anything crazy and he said well I’ve got mine but not yours. I just said I’m not paying for the dinner you asked me to, not because I’m a prude but because this is a pattern for him this would’ve been only the third date we’ve gone on and the first he paid for. So I’m fed up with his lack of prioritizing anything. And it led to a big fight then Saturday he had a funeral in the morning but then didn’t text me all day or night and at 3am texts me saying he’s a big kid when all I had asked was if he was ok at around 8 and then said I was worried around 10. Then the next day we were supposed to have a make up date that we had agreed on doing that Friday, well Sunday morning we had an argument about how rude it was and that a little communication goes a long way. He blew it up as me being controlling and always having problems and all kinds of shit and then later that afternoon, I had my son watched, I got ready, etc and he stood me up. He then lied about where he was (saying he was at his moms who was in Cabo 🙄) and has the audacity to yell at me for always having problems and I unloaded on his behavior being the reason everyone has problems with him because he has no respect for anyone and if it doesn’t serve him he won’t do it. That’s just an example of the things that would happen.

I know at his core he’s got a big heart and potential and desire to have a family and be a good dad, I just question his drive in general in life to be a good person a good dad and a good partner. And I am so bitter about us NOT working but when we try it’s freaking hell for me because he’s nothing like the person I want to do life with. Yet For some reason I still want to entertain the idea of doing this together since that’s how I wanted to do it when I got pregnant again being that my first was the result of a rape.

As of now we arent “together” but agreed seeing anyone else would just be messy and not good for the situation. I still have a feeling he’s probably seeing people and know he’s still drinking and not hunting for a job like he should. He texts me sporadically asking “how I’m feeling” and it’s kind of frustrating because it’s like if you cared you’d pick up the phone and call because I can easily text good thanks. I feel like I have expectations that make him feel like nothing is ever enough but at the same time i don’t feel like I have unrealistic expectations. It’s just an unrealistic amount of bullshit to sweep under the rug.

I just would like to hear stories of women seeing men change out of their own desire in these types of situations or of how they moved on and the coparent relationship was positive while they found what they actually needed. Am I not trying hard enough? Should I be better about just turning a blind eye? Idk I get all in my head about it in the haze of whether I’m being too much or asking too much or maybe have major personal issues I just don’t see but I have asked friends and I even asked him and all he said was that I could be less of a parent to him, ok... so be less of a child maybe? I don’t know. Yes I’m just seeking either validation in my feeling like I should NOT try to work it out with him because these ARE big things, or that I’m just being ridiculous which I don’t really feel like I am. But I know I have a tendencies to be v protective, my son an I moved across the country from my offender and I dropped my dreams and career to be closer to family and make sure he was safe and protected. And now with this baby I feel like I cannot trust this guy to spend one on one time or be intuitive or helpful or anything because he’s a drunk and keeps bad company.