I have been scared of speaking up so as not to be used as a lab rat, mocked or judged.

I just had a baby and my baby is two months but I have been in denial of experiencing post partum depression. I honestly wasn’t ready to have a child as well as motherhood and yes I know I should have used protection or done family planning but I didn’t think I would be pregnant just 3 months into my marriage. I Honestly love my child so much but experiencing this disconnection of mother bond hurts. I want to be my old self again and enjoy every bit of this new life. I feel as though my life, freedom has been taken from me. I am not upto 30 but i feel as though I’m now very old and much closer to dying of old age and cant have fun again because of the lifestyle and general perception I have witnessed people attribute to pregnant women whilst growing up . I ought to see motherhood as a blessing but I’m seeing it as a burden. I know this is the devil trying to steal my happiness and need help to overcome it for my little one. Prior to getting pregnant and giving birth, I always wanted to breast feed for a year but I couldn’t even breastfeed upto a month coupled with my milk not flowing again due to my mental and emotional imbalance.

I want to be happy and enjoy motherhood. I want to be proud that I’m blessed to be a mother. I have always loved children so much that i crave to carry any baby/child i see before now but it is the opposite except for my own child. I feel like my baby’s nanny than my baby’s mom and at the same time, don’t want to let my baby go. Love my baby to bits. I have tried watching videos and reading stories of women trying to conceive but none has been powerful enough to adjust my thinking. Rather I secretly wish to tell them that if they can enjoy the freedom they currently have that they should. None of my close friends are engaged, married or even with children and I envy the freedom they have to go out anytime anyday anywhere without being dragged back by a baby.

My business was terrible last year and yet to recover till now and I blamed my being pregnant for it. Just one month post wedding , I was being pressured by my mom and so called aunties through my mom as well as my husband’s grandmother to be pregnant even though my husband and I had agreed to wait for a year before conceiving by His Grace. I guess I gave in to the pressure and have this depression as part of my reward. I wasn’t in anyway ready for motherhood or even being pregnant. From when I turned 18, my mother stylishly started pressuring me to marry and it increased by the time i was done with university. I caved in even though I still wasn’t ready and now barely one month, another pressure.

Honestly if not for the pressure I was on, I would have done family planning as well as possibly taken it out since I wasn’t mentally and emotionally ready. I never had a honey moon because the period it was supposed to be planned for, it was the period i was pregnant.

Even my mom that pressured me at first stayed for just 3 weeks claiming that’s how long it’s ought to be. After my sister came and witnessed me in one of my terrible breakdowns, she told ger and my mom came over for another one week and 2 days. Making it seem like she’s doing me a favour and leaving me with questions of why she pressured me if she wasn’t ready to be a grandmother and assume the full responsibilities of eg staying the 3 months other mothers stay

My husband is very supportive and doesn’t know what to do to help. I need help, all the help and advice I can get.