March 5, 2017. I lost my Angel Baby at 7 weeks. I was preparing to hear his heartbeat for the first time in one more week. I was so excited and nervous all at the same time. I knew life would be different because of him. I just didn’t know it would be this different. He would have been due August 30, 2017. Last year as I was celebrating his what would be birthday and another year he gets to spend with Jesus, I got and announcement from my sister in law that she was pregnant.

I was happy for her. But I balled. I completely lost it. I couldn’t help to be a bit angry. It was unfair. I wanted a child and she didn’t. But she got to keep hers and I had to let mine go. I felt like my heart was being ripped out all over again. She recently had her daughter. And though I am excited about my niece, the upcoming two year “lossiversary” (as I like to call it) is making it hard to bear. I can’t stand the pictures she sends me. The accomplishments her baby is making. And especially the complaining about how tired she is and how being a mom is so hard.

I know it’s hard. But I would trade almost anything to be tired and worn down. To wake up in the middle of the night to tend to him. To have felt the pain of childbirth instead of loss.

It’s been two years. And I still feel just as lost.