After a miscarriage at 6 weeks in April 2018- we found out we were pregnant again in November 2018, and we honestly could not have been happier or more excited!

We saw the heartbeat at 7+1 weeks and the instant relief was indescribable because we never got to experience that with our first pregnancy:

We had the genetic testing and ultrasound done at 12 weeks, we found out that our dream of having a baby GIRL was coming true! AND all the tests came back low risk, and they said everything was progressing perfectly!

I had some spotting on and off, mainly pale pink but my doctor wasn’t concerned.

At one stage it turned slightly red, only minimal but enough that I booked into the doctors 3 days later.

The doctor told me that my cervix WASN’T closed, and to expect “a torrential downpour of blood” (literally her words!) given that I was 15 weeks pregnant, and a miscarriage that late will be different compared to my previous one.

The next half hour of my life was a blur, I sat in the car and howled, moaned and screamed- it was primal and animalistic, I was completely inconsolable.

Our 1st visit to the emergency room was that night- The gynaecologist checked my cervix and it was CLOSED, they heard my baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler and it was strong.

I had to come back the next day for a scan, and my baby girl was perfect. They didn’t look for any source of the bleeding/spotting because she was okay. Negligence number one.

2 nights later I was properly bleeding, red, clots, filling a pad in an hour. Back to the emergency room, this time one specifically for pregnancies.

Despite that, I STILL couldn’t get a scan then and there, but my cervix was confirmed still closed, and bub’s heartbeat was strong.

They said to only return to the emergency if I was filling a pad in less than 20 mins.

I left bewildered that everyone kept telling me that it was fine, and baby was fine, without further exploring the cause of the bleeding!

I just didn’t feel like that made any sense, and my anxiety was through the roof.

Once I could finally get in to see my GP, she sent me for a checkup scan immediately, and it was there that we discovered our baby girl’s heart rate was 150, but her growth had slowed in just the week since the last scan and she barely had any amniotic fluid around her. I knew in that moment it was over.

We were going to lose our baby AGAIN.

The next day we dropped our “specialty” referral off at the hospital, were told that they would call us for our specialty appointment in 2 days and that “it was safe to send me home”- despite no one physically checking me or my baby. Negligence number 2? Or more at this stage depending what you count.

So we waited for a call. And waited. I then developed a fever, we were at a loss at what to do, because the hospitals kept sending us away! So we decided to stick it out for the night and see how I felt in the morning.

Still didn’t feel any better so called my GP asking WTF I should do/where to go because everyone kept sending me elsewhere.

They couldn’t believe that I hadn’t been called in for my specialty scan yet, so they said they would call the hospital following up.

GP called me back to say that the hospital apparently DIDN’T HAVE MY REFERRAL (despite me handing it in on Saturday, the receptionist confirming she had personally handed it to the department on Monday, and every other call had checked the system and said yep, paperwork being reviewed!) but because I had the fever to come in straight away.

So I was back in emergency for the 4th time in 2 weeks, and admitted immediately due to my fever and resting heart rate of 118.

They checked my cervix and it was still closed, but they saw pus.

They started me on 3 different high strength antibiotics through an IV, and then sent me for a quick ultrasound to see what was going on.

I knew immediately that my baby girl had passed. There was no movement, and barely an image due to no fluid being around her at all. The technician told me that there was no heartbeat and I was wheeled back to emergency. I had to ask everyone to leave to give my husband and I 5 minutes alone just to process what we had just heard 😭

To hear it confirmed was sickening. They then came it to tell me that I would need to be induced for labour, because I was too far along for a D&C, and with the infection in my uterus there was a risk of causing damage if they went in surgically.

I was distraught, and so scared. My husband and I had spoken about the possibility of this earlier in the week and he knew that I absolutely didn’t want to have to give birth. Well now I didn’t have a choice. And so my baby girl was born on Valentine’s Day 💜 at 17+4 weeks

I was in hospital for 3 days while they battled to get my infection under control, and in that point I had the IV needle “tissuing” into my muscles for 6 hours without anyone listening to me that my arm was in agony. Negligence number ???

Originally we didn’t want to add to the whole traumatic experience by seeing our girl... but after the birth I felt differently, and I’m so glad we got to meet and hold her twice before I was finally discharged!

My husband sent me a message while my mum was visiting/he had stepped out to give us a moment:

And my heart broke all over again, but also swelled with love for this man for verbalising exactly what I was also thinking/feeling 💔❤️ It’s now been 18 days since our daughter was born, and we have somehow grown even closer together over this tragedy.

We have her foot/hand prints and photos to look back on whenever we want to:

We chose to have her cremated after a full autopsy (we will get the report when I go back for my follow up scan in less than 4 weeks, and we will also hear about the steps we need to take for the next pregnancy) and have stored her ashes in this beautiful keepsake:

We originally weren’t going to name her, but as we have no intention of forgetting our tiny but perfect daughter, and our future rainbow baby is going to know all about their sister in heaven- we named our angel Lahni 💜 It is a name that we discovered 7 years ago, and have continued to love since then. The fact it also means “heavenly” in Hawaiian just seals the deal ! 🌺🌥✨

I also added another charm to my bracelet:

•Daughter/You are always in my heart•

And finally, my husband and I are going to honour her memory by getting tattoos. He is going to get this on his inner bicep:

And I will be getting an amethyst (February’s birth stone) in the shape of a heart on the back of my neck:

We’ve also planned a holiday in 9 weeks time- something for us to look forward to, and is the first time we’ve been able to go away in 17 months so it’s well overdue regardless!

So lots of little steps to help us get through the days, we aren’t okay yet by any means but any progress forward is better than none! 🦋

If you’re still with me this far - thank you 🙌 and I implore you to trust your instincts, if you feel like that something is wrong- please go get checked out! I knew something wasn’t right, but I didn’t get any answers in time to save my baby.

We now think that I had a subchronic hematoma between my uterus and amniotic sac- it then detached, causing a tear in the sac so I was leaking amniotic fluid mixed with the blood from the clot so it went unnoticed. We will find out more in a few weeks at our follow up appointment..

We aren’t ready to give up yet on having our rainbow baby one day, and I hope my story has helped some of you feel less alone about your own losses 💐

Sticky & healthy baby dust to all of us 🌈✨