So I have this girl friend and God knows I love and appreciate the bond and friendship that we have. We’ve been friends for a while but in the last year have gotten to be best friends really. I’ve always had this crush on her and she knows this but she just thought it was “puppy love” and I’d get over it seeing that I’m straight .. at least so she thinks and that I thought .. Anyways I’m a really clingy person and I see her just about everyday and when I’m not around her I’m talking to her. I’m always hugging her, kissing her on her cheek and just playing with her somehow. I guess she never thought about it too much then but nonetheless I always told her how much I liked her.

One day we were being playful after we both had a few drinks and I kissed her. It was just a peck on the lips but I could tell it caught her by surprise, I mean I surprised myself. Later that day when I got home she messaged me, she was calm about it and just said that she thought I was bold for kissing her and I told her I want to make it a real kiss (meaning a French kiss).

So time passes and I’m still super playful and clingy, we’re hanging out and all and all just really great friends but I just couldn’t ignorance my feelings. Bare in mind that she’s way older than me, has kids and a boyfriend. Eventually we end up kissing again and I find myself being bold again and telling her that I want to go down on her. She says she doesn’t see herself going that far with me but she still kisses me, touches me sexually and lets me touch her sexually as well.

I know nothing’ll probably come out of this taking the situation into consideration but honestly, in the last two years especially I’ve fallen so deep in love with her, it’s crazy and knowing that she has feelings for me too (she told me this before) just makes me think of all the what ifs.

I always tell her how much I like her and I always do things for her but she doesn’t know that I’m in love with her. We hang out a lot on weekends with other friends and most times her boyfriend is around and she’s obviously not leaving him. No one knows what goes on between us but sometimes I get so freaking jealous seeing them together!

I don’t know, I’m just driving myself crazy. I like guys, she’s the first female I’ve ever found myself being attracted to but at the moment I’m just not into guys. All I want is her and I don’t know how to get over it.

I know this is super long and probably all over the place but I just needed to vent.