This might be long and boring to some. But I’m stuck and need some advice for people that may have been in my exact position once.

I met my boyfriend of almost 3 years at our jobs we worked right next to eachother. I always seen him and thought he was super cute but I was at the time only 20, and he seemed older. Which he was. He was 22. Not that much older but you know lol. We eventually found out we had a common friend. Which that friend was one of my close guy friends that always came around, to me and all of my girl friends was like one of our big brothers. One day, they were both together and wanted to hang out so I invited them to my apartment I had with 2 close friends. Obvi we hit it off that night. We kissed. I found out the next day by my guy friend he had a girlfriend which was his babymama. I confronted him and he said that they were no longer together, though she was still living him with him because he was going to drive her back to Cali that weekend coming up, because she wanted to go back home to her mom. I was iffy but whatever. We would see eachother at work that week. Things were cool. That weekend came up and he drove her and his daughter to Cali where she wanted to be. He came back right that night and we hung out at my place again. I was a crazy 20 year old, I lived with friends and all we did was party. Weeks go by and things are good we hang out all the time and would hook up. We weren’t together yet. Months go by and we start getting more serious than we expected. He comes with me to Arizona to visit my family. I introduced him as my friend. Even though everyone fell in love with him. Blah blah. We had a good weekend and come back. He then introduces me his family. And they liked me off the back. I was fun and I didn’t really bitch about much. Comes his daughters first birthday and her baptism he leaves to Cali with his family this is in April, they were going for a week. No biggy it’s his daughter he deserves however much time with her. I was very supportive about that. Days go on and no text not even a reply nothing. He ends up texting me a day before he comes back telling me he’s bringing his babymama back with him, and he’s gunna fix his family. I was heartbroken I fell for him so hard. We did so much in such a little time. We were so much alike. I was so upset. He comes back. As soon as he gets back, he’s like idk what I’ve done I’ve fucked up blah blah. Days go on. And I’m still hurt but being strong let him fix his family. But everyday he would text me saying how much he misses me and he should have never brought her back, nothings changing. Feelings aren’t there for her no more. I told him try for your daughter. I miss you too but I sometimes wish my parents were still together. 2 weeks go on and I get a text 11 at night , saying he’s driving her back to Cali, he can’t do it even though he loves his daughter, he can’t be in an unhappy relationship. I was happy I felt bad. Next day comes and he back, and we hang out I felt happy again like myself. I had my bestfriend back. Days go on and everything’s just great, we do everything together at this point. One night me and his family all are drinking and we say I love you. I felt so complete. Months go on and it’s about to be my 21st. We go to Arizona because my mom is having a party for me. We had a great time. Come back and now we’re going out together. Comes weeks later I find out I’m pregnant. And we’re both in shock. Were we ready? Is this going to change everything? I said it’s going to be okay. I got a good guy. Moved into his parents house with him.. So I thought. He starts going out a lot! Would ignore me. Not reply check in. Nothing! 6-7 in the morning he would show up. Or his mom and dad would have to go get him. I stayed.. I was 5 months pregnant and he leaves to cali to see his daughter, I hadn’t met her yet and when he was ready I was ready to meet her. Whatever he goes comes back. Cool cool. 2 weeks later he leaves to work and his work phone he left at home , well it keeps going off and off I check it and it’s his email. Emails from women on Craigslist for sex! All from Cali! He’s messaging them to meet up sending pictures. I was pissed. I didn’t know wtf to think what to say. What to do. I was disgusted. I called him right away and he already knew. He had nothing to say but I’m sorry. I leave to work that night and get off early and he’s waiting I went off. How could you do this to me that’s disgusting. Of course I stayed. It never went any farther then the messages. I forgave. Months pass, still the same bullshit going out all the time. Have my daughter and things seem good when my daughter was 1 month he took us to Cali so I could meet his daughter. Great weekend until the last day, I’m in the back seat with the baby and his daughter she was watching a movie on his phone, and he left inside the store she accidentally clicked out the movie so I go and put it back and instantly see messages from him and his babymama, him telling her something about her big boobs are so yummy. I was pissed! We get to his aunts house and he’s like wtf is your problem I tell him and he doesn’t have shit to say but get mad and walk away. I’m like seriously wtf am I doing rod deserve this.. we leave Cali back home and of course talk it out once again. I know stupid. No one to blame but myself. Months go on and we start fighting a lot. I have to beg him to make the baby a bottle to change her. To do anything. I’m irritated. We talk about him and it changes for a week and back to the same old. Then couple months later found out I’m pregnant again. I cried and cried. I wasn’t ready. We weren’t happy. things start to get a little better. Comes the new year 2019, one day everything changes. I became a stay at home mom, he said he would take care of us. We start fighting cus his mom is so controlling over my daughter telling me what I can and cannot do and he doesn’t tell her shit. We would fight everyday because of that. His phone would always go off and he say dumb shit. He wouldn’t let me hold his phone let me know his passcode or anything. He knows my passcode and goes on my phone whenever. I have nothing to hide. He leaves to Cali and I’m like why can’t we go and he uses a stupid excuse. So I leave to my dads that weekend. And thought I can do this. I can leave him, I deserve better. He came back and so did I. I missed him. I didn’t want to leave even though I was so unhappy.. fast forward to 3 days ago.. he’s working on his car outside and leaves to autozone my 10 month old is on the bed and I didn’t realize she was playing with his work phone and I start hearing a ringing noise and I turn back and she’s FaceTiming his babymama!! I start freaking out cus me and her never met like this is awakard. I couldn’t hang up, because I didn’t know the passcode. I was like omg omg wtf. She answered and I put the phone face down and she hung up. ( he FaceTimes her off his workphone because it’s an iPhone and she has an ihpone so he can see his daughter) I start getting this weird feeling like maybe I should guess this passocde and I did I got in. I went straight to messages and found his and his babymama. And wow did my heart break into a million pieces. He’s telling her how much he misses her and her lips and he wishes he woulda stayed back in Cali with her. And wish he could win the lottery to give her the big wedding she deserves. Sending her pictures of him. Im broken. He gets home and he has to know becSue im like let’s talk and he’s like dude seriously not right now and gets mad and walks away. I walk into the room and put the baby to sleep crying and crying. I just thought why me? What have I done to deserve this. He comes inside and I sit down and I’m like why. And he goes I was so mad at you for how you were acting, I just said it. Idk. Making stupid ass excuses. I tell him how he’s a piece of shit and he’s about to have 3rd daughter and he needs to grow up and be a role model for them. And he wouldn’t want them with someone like him and I walk away. I’m in the room packing my clothes. He comes in and dumps all of it out and I’m balling my eyes out, he’s like please don’t leave. And I’m just crying and crying. I’m lost of words. Like AGAIN? Third time you do this to me. And keeps trying to hug me. My mom FaceTimes me and I fix myself up and answer. I leave all my clothes on the floor. He asks to take our daughter to the park. I of course said yes. He take her and his brother and sister. And acts like nothing is wrong. We come home and not one word is said to me. I lay down and go to bed with my baby. Next day comes and he’s getting ready for work, and I put on music to clean and the song “thru your phone by cardi b” comes on and it’s her talking about cheating. And he’s like really and I ignore him. He comes home from work and I’m still ignoring him idk what to do. We go to the room and the baby’s sleeping I lay down and so does he she sleeps in between us. I turn and just start crying replaying everything in my head. And he comes and hugs me and I cry more. The man I wanted a life with, I loved him so much. How could he do this to me. He starts crying. I tell him to leave me alone. We go to bed. I wake up this morning and he left to work. Just laying here thinking why.

I don’t know what to do.... why can’t I just be strong and brave and just leave. What am I losing? Here I am 7 months pregnant with our almost 11 month old.

No one to blame but myself for staying.

Why can’t I be strong enough?

....😪